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The 8 Keys to Trust in a Post-Divorce Relationship – Part 1

May 20, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce | Permalink

key

You’ve probably heard recommendations from other experts about how long you need to wait after divorce before you start dating.  These other experts recommend that you wait anywhere from just 1 year to 1 year for every 4 years you were married.

I disagree with these one-size-fits-all recommendations.  I believe that the only requirement for you to be able to successfully date after divorce is that you’ve finished your time in the Divorce Pits.  The Divorce Pits are where you experience the most painful feelings of divorce – grief, anger, guilt and rejection.

I hope you can agree with me that you wouldn’t want to date someone consumed with the Divorce Pits.  So, if you’re consumed with them, you’re probably not going to find someone who wants to date you either.  (You can find out if you’re still in the Divorce Pits by taking the assessment at http://www.functionaldivorce.com/fdas.html.)

Once you’re out of the Pits, you’re cleared to date.  There are all kinds of ways you can meet people to date and I’ll save a discussion of that for some other time.  The point I want to get to here is that your dating should be helping you to determine what you do and don’t like about yourself and others in a relationship.  There are all kinds of things that people do and don’t want in a relationship, but the one thing that EVERYONE WANTS is to be able to trust their partner.

For many of us post-divorce, our ability to trust another isn’t quite working ideally.  That’s why I recommend you build your trust in yourself first (read more at http://www.functionaldivorce.com/blog/2013/05/06/trust-yourself/), then build your trust in friendships (read more at http://www.functionaldivorce.com/blog/2013/05/11/who-can-you-trust/), before trusting someone in a committed relationship.  The question I always get from my clients about this is how do I know if I can trust someone?

You can feel pretty confident about trusting someone in a committed relationship by using 8 different keys.  These keys are things that you need to examine both in the other person and in your ability to give to them.

We’ll start with the first four keys today and save the other four for next week’s article.

The first 4 keys to trust in a post-divorce relationship are

  1. Clarity – Clarity refers to the ability you and your partner have communicating with each other AND in the clarity you each have individually about being in the relationship.  Are you both open and clear about what you want from the relationship?  Are you both clear about what needs you’d like to have the other meet?  Are you both clear about what you are and are not willing to do in the relationship?  The important point about each of these questions is that you’re clear individually without any pressure from the other person or fear of losing the relationship and that you’re able to clearly communicate this to each other.  (You should also be aware that after divorce we all change a lot, so just because you’re clear about what you want today, next month, next quarter, next year, your needs of the relationship may change and you both need to be willing to continue being clear for the duration of the relationship.)
  2. Compassion – Compassion refers to the ability you’ve each got to care for the other.  Compassion in a healthy relationship MUST be two-way.  There are times when one partner may need more compassion than another, but if the flow of compassion is only one-way, the relationship isn’t conducive to building the level of trust necessary for a long-term committed relationship.
  3. Character – Character is who you each are as individuals and in the relationship.  It’s not unusual for people to behave one way in front of others and another way in the privacy of their relationship.  If you find that you’re not behaving like yourself in a relationship, that’s not a healthy relationship for you.  If you find that you don’t care for the way the person you’re dating regularly behaves, then they’re not the right person for you.
  4. Competency – Competency can sound like a funny criterion for trust in a dating or love relationship, but it’s really important.  Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is simply incapable of meeting your needs of the relationship?  I doubt it.  That’s why I believe it’s critical that you get some clarity on what you want in a relationship and what you’re willing to give to a relationship.  Once you know that, you’ll have an idea of whether or not you’ve both got the competency to be in a relationship together.

I know that this is only half of the list, but it’s a lot of information!  These aren’t necessarily simple keys.  They require careful thought and a deep awareness of your feelings.  But armed with these first keys, you’ve got a great starting point for figuring out if the person or people you’re dating are right for you to enter into a deeper relationship with.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Get clear about what you want in your post-divorce relationships.  You might be looking for your next great love or you might be looking for someone to hang out with and just have fun.  It’s important that you get clear about what you want so you’ll be able to know if dating someone is in your best interest or not.  AND so that you’ll be able to have clarity telling the other person what you want.

How might you determine if the other person is compassionate?  In my experience, this is one of those keys that takes time to evaluate.  You might be able to tell enough about someone’s lack of compassion quickly.  However, if it’s not glaringly obvious that the other person isn’t compassionate, then seeing how you both act in stressful situations is probably the quickest way to determine your level of compassion for yourselves and each other.

If you’re in a relationship with someone, do you like who you are when you’re with them?  For most of us who divorced, when we take an honest look back at our marriage we can usually find something about ourselves in the marriage that we’ve since changed or are in the process of changing.  There was something about what our marriage had become that caused us to be less than ourselves.  It’s so very important that you not enter into another relationship that might cause you to not appreciate yourself 100%.  So, if you don’t like whom you are when you’re with someone, it’s time to end that relationship.  If you do like who you are when you’re with someone, the relationship just might be working and you might be closer to building trust.

Is the person you’re in relationship with capable of meeting your needs?  Are you capable of meeting theirs?  If your answer is “yes” to both questions, you’ve got another key for building trust in this relationship.  If not, then this relationship probably isn’t in your best interest to continue for long.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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Part 3: How to Decrease Stress when you’re going Through Divorce

April 29, 2013 in Functional Divorce, Uncategorized | Permalink

Office

I enjoy watching Project Runway because of the amazing outfits the contestants make.  This season there was one designer, Patricia, who was the stereotypical creative genius.  Her creativity was AMAZING and her workspace was a total disaster.  In fact, the state of her space made others on the show concerned!

Patricia’s workspace and the response others had to it made me laugh with a touch of embarrassment because, like Patricia, when I start working on a project, I’m not neat.  I have things strewn all over the place which really wouldn’t be bad except for the fact that I’m on to the next project before I’ve cleaned up the debris from the first one.  After a few projects, my office looks like the Tasmanian devil from the Bugs Bunny cartoons has paid a visit.  I tell myself that what matters is getting the next project done, but what I’ve FINALLY realized is that the general disaster area that I let my workspace become really impacts not only my ability to work, but how comfortable people (including me) feel coming into my office!

So 3 weeks ago, I had the help of an amazing professional organizer, Ashley Easley of MasterPeace Solutions.  She helped me fine-tune what I was doing into a really workable process that easily allows me to be creative with my projects and keep things nicely organized.  Now I feel good and energized being in my office.  I’ve also noticed that everyone else is less reluctant to enter now too.

And here’s how this all matters to you.  Even in the best of times, your environment plays a big part in how you feel.  When you’re going through divorce, you’re even more sensitive to your environment.

A lot of the stress of divorce comes from a sense of not being in control of the situations you find yourself in.  Having your surroundings unorganized adds to the general sense of chaos and loss of control.  So, one way many people find to decrease the stress they feel during divorce is to organize and clean.  Then there are others (and, yes, I fell into this category) who just look at the disorganization as being too much to deal with and then don’t do anything.

Just in case you’re like me, I’m going to share with you Ashley’s 5 C’s of Organizing.  I know that if I had had these 5 C’s back then, the plan would have given me hope that I could indeed help my stress by organizing my surroundings OR that there were professionals available to help me.

  1. Categorize – Sort like items together.  When Ashley was helping me with my office we had a bunch of papers on my desk that needed to be dealt with.  She helped me divide everything into piles on the floor of “to be filed”, “recycle”, “shred”, “needs more work”, and “goes in another place”.
  2. Consolidate – Once we had the piles created (or really anytime the piles got too big for me to look at) I shredded what needed to be shredded and deposited the things from the recycle pile into the recycle bin in the garage.
  3. Create – Once we had a handle on what needed to stay in my office and what needed to leave, we were able to figure out where everything needed to go and create space for it.
  4. Contain – What I needed to help me get my office under control was file folders and letter boxes.  By creating specific spots to put all the papers that I deal with as part of my work, it’s been TONS easier to find what I need when I need it and to put things away when I’m done with them.
  5. Continue – This is where I was really concerned, would I be able to continue keeping things in their proper places and getting rid of the things I didn’t need any more?  Well, I’m not batting 1000 yet, but I’m doing pretty great!  You can judge for yourself by taking a look at the before and after photos of my office.  (Yes, I took the after photo today.)

You can use this same technique to tackle one area of your home or office that is adding to the chaos of your divorce.  It might be a drawer, closet, desk, room or even your attic!  Today’s Your Functional Divorce Assignment will help you de-stress your environment.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Pick the one area you want to take control of.  I suggest starting small at first.  You’ve got a lot going on and being easy on yourself as you go through this process will make it more likely you’ll successfully finish it.

Schedule a block of time where you can focus on gaining control of the area.  If you have kids, you might want to choose a weekend when the kids are with their other parent.

Put Ashley’s 5C’s of Organization to work.  Having used the 5 C’s with Ashley, I can tell you, it’s pretty easy to follow when you have the discipline to do it and not get caught up in “rediscovering” what you’ve unearthed.  I was thankful to have Ashley around to help me focus on completing the job.  And, with the focus she provided, we made amazing progress in our time together!

Ask for help if you need it.  It’s truly OK to ask for help to keep you focused on gaining control of the area you’ve picked.  You might want to call a friend to support you, call your coach to keep you accountable, or hire a professional organizer like Ashley!

Enjoy.  Yes, the last step is to enjoy the fruits of your labor and the greater sense of peace from having a little less chaos in your life.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

 

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Update These Documents after Divorce

March 11, 2013 in Financial Divorce, Functional Divorce, Legal Divorce | Permalink

paperwork

When you get divorced there are all kinds of paperwork and documentation you need to update, change, create and just be able to put your hands on at a moment’s notice.  It can feel overwhelming to have to deal with all of this on top of the emotional turmoil of divorce.

To help make things a bit easier on you, here’s a table with the most common documents you’ll want to make sure you’ve appropriately dealt as you complete your divorce.

Document Name

Purpose of Document*

Changes to Consider**
Social Security Card Personal identifier for individuals in the United States If part of your divorce decree included a change to your name, you’ll want to file that change with the Social Security Administration and receive a new Social Security Card.
Driver’s License Grants a person the right to legally drive.  It’s also commonly used as picture identification. If part of your divorce decree included a change to your name, you’ll want to file that change with your state’s Driver’s Licensing office and receive a new Driver’s License.
Property Titles (for real estate, motor vehicles, etc.) Used to identify ownership of property Transferred ownership and any name changes
Retirement Plans (e.g., 401K, IRA, pension plan, etc.) Monies that are set aside for an individual’s retirement and can be released to a beneficiary upon the death of the individual Make sure your beneficiaries are updated to reflect your new marital status.
Life Insurance Policy Provide for your family after your death, pay for your funeral costs Make sure your beneficiaries are updated to reflect your new marital status
Will & Trust Can identify the persons or entities that will receive your property when you die, for you to appoint a guardian for your minor children, appoint those you wish to manage your estate, revoke or alter a previous will Make sure your beneficiaries are updated to reflect your new marital status
W-4 Helps your employer to withhold the correct federal income tax from your pay Make sure to adjust your number of dependents to reflect your newly single status
Medical Treatment Authorization and Consent Form Used for those situations where minors are unaccompanied by either parents or legal guardians.  Because your children may be in different care situations than when you were married, you might want to make sure whomever is watching your children has the ability to help your children get appropriate medical care.
Medical Power of Attorney Designates a person that you trust to make health care decisions on your behalf should you be unable to make those decisions. You’ll probably want to make sure you update who this person is.
Directive to Physicians and Family or Surrogates Designed to help you communicate your wishes about medical treatment if you are no longer to make decisions due to illness or incapacity. You’ll probably want to make sure to update who this person is.
HIPPA Authorizations at each of your doctors Allows you to indicate who besides you may have access to your medical information. If you had originally filled out forms at a doctor’s office allowing information to be left with your spouse, you might want to change this.

 

*  The purposes identified in this table are just casual descriptions.  For legal descriptions, you’ll want to contact the appropriate authority.

**  The changes to consider are just suggestions.  You’ll want to work with the appropriate authority to verify which changes are appropriate for you.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Which of the documents above do you currently have?  For each of the documents listed in the table that you’ve already got, take the time to review and update them.

Which of the documents do you not have? For each of the documents that you do not have, look at the purpose of the document and determine whether or not you want to have it.  If you want to have the document, make an appointment with the appropriate professional to have the document created.

Where are your documents? There are some documents that you’ll want to keep handy.  You’ll want to make sure that the appropriate family members know where you documents are kept.  You’ll probably also want to make copies of the documents for yourself and family members in case getting to the originals may not be speedy enough.

There are other documents, like the HIPPA Authorizations at each of your doctor’s offices that they’ll keep the originals of and that you’ll just have copies of.  You’ll want to keep tabs on these as well in case you need to update the information on them in the future.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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How a Small Shift Made a World of Difference

February 18, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce, Uncategorized | Permalink

shopping cart

As I was driving home from a networking event a couple of weeks ago, the low-gas light came on in my car.  I was so tired from all the activities of the day that I decided to wait until the next morning to fill my car up.

The next morning, I headed over to the gas station at Walmart.  As I got closer to the store, I debated with myself about whether I wanted to cut through the parking lot or wait through an extra light to get to the pumps.  If I went through the parking lot, I ran the risk of needing to wait for people crossing the road and other cars jockeying for the best parking spot.  If I waited for the light, I was stuck making 2 left-hand turns at lights.  I really don’t like having to wait for the lights to make the turns, so I chose to cut through the parking lot.

As I neared the entrance to Walmart, there was this older guy pushing his cart down the middle of the road.  My first thought was, “Figures!  I knew something like this would happen.”  Then I changed my mind and realized that in a few more years, that might be me struggling to maintain my dignity and do my own shopping even though it was hard for me to walk and wanting to minimize the walking I had to do even if it meant walking in the middle of the street to get to my car.  That thought immediately changed how I was feeling.  Instead of being frustrated and impatient, I relaxed and patiently waited for the man to get across the street.

After he moved out of the middle of the road, I continued on my way and filled my car up with gas.  I had a few things I wanted to pick up at Walmart, so I drove back through the parking lot in search for my own spot.

As I was slowly making my way up and down the aisles, I thought I spotted the same older guy walking back up to the store.  No, it couldn’t be, I reasoned.  It must just be another old man that reminded me of the first.  I found a great parking spot and walked into the store to buy a couple of things.

As I was walking out of the store I noticed an old guy sitting on one of those motorized carts with his head in his hands.  I almost got all the way out the doors before I realized that it was the same guy I kept seeing!  I walked up to him and asked, “Didn’t I see you walk out of the store earlier?”  He told me yes and that he was having a hard time finding his car.  I asked him what kind of car he was driving and he told me a dark blue Kia.  So I started out of the store on a mission to find his car for him.

I got just outside and I realized that I would never spot his car and that I should ask him if he was comfortable with me driving him around the parking lot looking for his car.  He about jumped out of the motorized cart he was so happy to have me help him like that.  We gathered up his bags and started out to my car.

I could tell he was really pushing himself to walk quickly, but I kept a slow pace and just chatted with him about where I had parked and hoping to give him the idea that I had plenty of time and I was parked close enough that he wouldn’t have to walk too far.

And then, just as we reached the parking aisle, he looked over to the right and said, “Is that my car?”  Sure enough, he found his car right away – before we had even reached mine.

As I was helping him get his bags into his car, he admitted that he wasn’t supposed to be out walking without his walker and that he was so thankful to be back to his car.

Now it was a little thing for me to notice that an old man was walking down the middle of the street in a parking lot.  It was another little thing for me to notice an old man walking back into Walmart.  And it was yet another little thing for me to notice a tired old man sitting in a motorized shopping cart.  But it was a big thing to that man.

Little things are like that.  Individually, they’re itty-bitty things, but added together, they can make a world of difference.  I’m not just talking about how little things can add up for helping someone else, but even for us.  In fact, this idea of itty-bitty things added together is a major philosophy behind the work I do.  For anyone going through divorce, making little changes in perception and then taking action can create a world of difference.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

What little things have you chosen not to notice that might make a big difference in your life?  Just like my noticing the old man walking back and forth through the Walmart parking lot, what might you need to notice about you or your kids as you’re transitioning from married to single?

Now that you’ve noticed something you might have overlooked before what do you need to do to make a difference?  The thing you choose to do might be something small, but sometimes something small is all it takes to make a world of difference.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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Just finished a great book – Raising the Kid You Love with the Ex You Hate

January 25, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce, Legal Divorce | Permalink

Raising the Kid

Edward Farber, PhD is releasing his new book Raising the Kid You Love with the Ex You Hate next week.  I was lucky enough to receive an Advance Reviewer’s Copy and I do mean lucky.

Ed’s book is full of fabulous advice about how to make the business of co-parenting work after the business of marriage has failed.  The basis of his advice about successful co-parenting hinges on these three principles:

  1. Your child needs both parents
  2. Reduce parental conflict after the separation
  3. Both parents make decisions

Parents who can agree to abide by these three principles will have a headstart in helping their children be happy, healthy adults.  To be implemented well, each parent needs to be consistently focused on them and communicate regularly with their ex to make sure they’re on the same page.  Continuing to interact with your ex after divorce may not be something you look forward to, but, as Dr Farber points out, it’s necessary to being able to raise the kid you love.

I really appreciated reading this no non-sense approach to making co-parenting work along with the real-life stories from Ed’s practice, but probably the best part of this book is the fact that he shares ideas for non-ideal co-parenting situations.  He offers suggestions for dealing with an ex who is more interested in revenge than in successfully co-parenting, for how the co-parenting arrangement will naturally need to change as your kid grows older, for dealing with an ex who has emotional, psychological or addictive disorders, and even for dealing with kids who may be embellishing the truth to get into your good graces.

This book is an ideal resource for parents who are divorced or divorcing and committed to continuing to be great parents.

You can check out the book at Raising the Kid You Love with the Ex You Hate.

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Set the Timer for Just 5 Minutes

January 14, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce | Permalink

Isn’t it easy to get caught up in everything that’s going on and demanding our attention?  There’s work, our family and friends, our community activities, our health, chores, TV and the internet.  PLUS the divorce!  It’s all clamoring for attention RIGHT NOW!  Wouldn’t it be great to be able to stop the world for a moment and regroup?

Well, stopping the world for just a moment is EXACTLY what I believe you should get in the habit of doing every day.  Sounds like a dream, right?  OK, so no one can truly stop the world, but you can certainly stop participating in everything for just a few minutes every day.  My recommendation is that you take at least 5 minutes every day for “me time”.

The benefits of regular “me time” are amazing! They include a reduction in stress, the ability to think more clearly, seeing the “big picture”, and increased energy.

Here’s what you’ll need to be able to stop the world and get your own “me time”: a timer, a comfortable place to sit, and an agreement with everyone else that you are not to be disturbed for 5 minutes.

Set your timer for 5 minutes.  Get comfortable where you’re sitting and close your eyes.  Take a deep breath in, hold it for a second and then s-l-o-w-l-y exhale.  Notice that while you are exhaling, your shoulders loosen up a bit.  Keeping your eyes closed; continue your deep breathing until the timer sounds.  When it sounds, slowly open your eyes.  Wiggle your fingers and toes.  Let yourself re-orient to your surroundings and enjoy how relaxed you’re feeling. Now, go ahead and turn off the timer and let the world start up again.

Your Friendly Coaching Assignment:

Schedule 5 minutes of “me time” in the next 24 hours.  I find that most people are so used to doing what they believe has to be done for everyone else, that it can be hard to find even 5 minutes to take care of themselves.  That’s why this step is so important.  Decide when you have 5 minutes that you can dedicate to taking care of you and schedule it into your day.

Keep your appointment with yourself.  In order for you to get the benefits of your “me time”, you’ve actually got to do it.  So, once you get the time scheduled, take the 5 minutes to recharge.  I bet you’ll be happy you did!

Do it!  The more consistently you give yourself the gift of “me time” the easier you’ll find it is to handle all the twists and turns and demands for attention that pop up in your life.

If you’d like more do-able ideas for creating more “me time” in your life, give me a call at 817-993-0561 so we can schedule a Complimentary Consultation and together we’ll figure out a way for you to have more “me time”.

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The Rust of Life and Divorce

December 21, 2012 in Emotional Divorce, Financial Divorce, Functional Divorce, Legal Divorce, Social Divorce | Permalink

Last week, one of my dear friends sent me a message.  He sends messages just about every day to his friends to inspire and comfort.  Jon’s one of those guys with a really big heart who knows how to make sure his friends really feel how much he cares for them.

This one message he sent to me last week really got me to thinking.  It read, “…doubt is the rust of life.  Doubt holds you landlocked in paralysis unable to move either way.  The time you spent doubting is the time you are not alive.  So, rid yourself of the doubt, take that step one way or another, your heart knows what is best, but take it right now.”

What an incredible message!  It was like Jon had looked right at me and told me exactly what I needed to hear and what I knew I needed to share with you.

Doubt is one of the major immobilizing emotions of divorce. Uncertainty comes in all kinds of different shapes and sizes during divorce.  There’s doubt about whether or not the decision to divorce is the right one, there’s doubt about how to best help the kids understand the divorce, there’s doubt about what life will be like during and after the legal proceedings and fees along with all kinds of other self-doubts.

The doubts that come with divorce are usually an indication of fear and a need to reconcile your previous way of life or doing things with the way things are or even could be in the future.  It’s normal to have doubts and fears when your life changes dramatically.  However, they can also become debilitating and that’s definitely something to avoid.

Instead, doubts are best used as a way to become aware that there’s something deeper to be explored and brought out to the light.  One of the quickest ways I know to allow yourself to bring that something deeper up to the surface is through a thoughtful relaxation exercise.  I’ll share the exercise with you in Your Functional Divorce Assignment.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

 Sit in a comfortable chair with your feet flat on the ground.  Take a deep breath in.  As you exhale, start to imagine all the stress and strain from your body draining out.  Draining from the top of your head, down through you neck, your torso, your legs and out through the bottom of your feet deep, deep into the ground.

Continue breathing deeply.  Every time you exhale imagine more of the stress and strain in your body draining out through the bottoms of your feet deep, deep into the ground.

Enjoy the sensation of your body beginning to relax.  Your neck and shoulders are loosening up.  You’re sitting deeper into the chair and your entire body is relaxed as the stress and strain continue to drain out of your body.

When you’re feeling calm and relaxed, gently ask yourself about your doubt and what decision you need to make.  As you remain relaxed, an answer to your question will emerge.  It may or may not be the answer you were expecting, but you will have an answer that you can move forward with to dispel your doubt.

I know doing this technique on your own can be a bit challenging.  So, if you’re serious about wanting to dispel your doubt and would like some help, let me know.  You can reach me by email at karen@functionaldivorce.com and by phone at 817-993-0561.

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Small, Simple Things Can Make a BIG Difference

December 10, 2012 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce | Permalink

On Wednesday last week, I had a busy day planned.  I had a breakfast meeting in one part of town immediately followed by a one-on-one meeting and a luncheon in a completely different part of town.  Then I needed to head back to my office for a call with my coach and to get some other tasks done before heading out for my dinner plans.

My day got even busier than expected because I didn’t do the simple things I know I need to do to be at my best.

I’ve learned that I need to eat a substantial breakfast in the morning.  If I don’t, I have a hard time thinking and moving.  My body just doesn’t have the energy it needs to keep all systems working – at least that’s how I think of it – unless I feed myself well in the morning.

Well, my breakfast meeting was VERY light on the breakfast part.  You might expect that I would take something with me just in case I needed something more for breakfast.  And you’d be right!  I did take something with me – a Clif bar.

Unfortunately, that Clif bar was the small, simple thing that wound up making a BIG difference in my day.

When my breakfast meeting ended I hopped in my car and gobbled up my Clif bar and headed to my next meeting.  I wasn’t feeling my best because I didn’t have anywhere near as heavy a breakfast as I usually do, but I knew I could make it through until lunch without too much stomach rumbling.

The location of my one-on-one meeting and luncheon was in downtown Fort Worth and so I drove to a  parking garage and starting making the slow left-hand turns to work my way up the levels of the garage until I could find a parking spot.  I passed a few up because they were next to HUGE pick-up trucks and I just didn’t think I’d be able to fit my car into them.

Then, I found a GREAT spot!  It was on an end with one of those yellow cement posts on one side and a small car on the other.

So I turned on my signal and started to pull in.  CRUNCH!  My stomach sank.  I had hit the yellow cement post.

OK, I thought, if I pull out the same way I pulled in then it wouldn’t be too bad.  I put my car in reverse and slowly pressed on the gas pedal.  SCREECH!

Well, that didn’t work too well, so I thought maybe if I turn my wheels slightly and pull forward again, I’ll get off of the post. GRRRRRRRRRRRR THUMP!  Yeah, that didn’t work too well either.

Luckily, with that GRRRRRRRRRRRR THUMP! I was FINALLY able to reposition my car so I could pull out of the space without any more damage.

I then started making my slow left turns again until I found a GREAT BIG spot to park in.

After getting safely situated in this new spot I turned off the ignition and sat for a moment trying to understand exactly what had happened.  It took a moment and then it hit me.  I hadn’t taken care of myself by doing the simple things I needed to do.  I skipped my regular breakfast and wasn’t at my best.  Because I wasn’t at my best, I was having difficulty thinking and moving (driving in this case) and I smashed up my car.  As you can probably guess, it wasn’t one of my proudest moments, but it was another reminder that sometimes small, simple things can make a BIG difference.

One of the things I hear about regularly from my clients is that it can be hard to do the things they know they need to do to take care of themselves when they’re going through divorce.  The divorce is just such a monumental change in their lives that it can seemingly be easier to skimp on or simply skip the things they need to do to be at their best.  As I’m sure you’ve guessed, I challenge them to rethink that just a bit and make the time they need to take care of themselves.

However, they don’t tell me all the subtle and simple ways they stop taking care of themselves because sometimes they’re not aware of it themselves.  So, I often probe a bit deeper to help them figure out other ways they might make small, simple changes to take better care of themselves.  In this week’s Your Functional Divorce Assignment I’m going to help you do the same.

 

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

 

Take a moment and think about which of the following you need to be at your best: adequate sleep, exercise, proper nutrition, fun, meaningful work, relaxation, great relationships with your kids, friends and family.  For most people they need all of them.  We all need to take care of our bodies by getting enough sleep, enough exercise and good food to eat.  We all need to let our hair down to have some fun and relax.  We all need to know that what we do matters.  We all need to have meaningful relationships with others.  This stuff is just part of being human.

Ideally, if I were to ask you to rate each of these on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being perfect and 1 being needs a bunch of work) you’d rate each of these as a 10.  But, life isn’t like that – especially when you’re working through divorce.  Go ahead and rate your sleep, your exercise, your nutrition, your fun, your work, your ability to relax and your relationships on a scale of 1-10.

For the one you rated the highest, celebrate it!  It can be especially difficult to take care of yourself when you’re dealing with divorce and the fact that you’re doing great in at least one of these categories is wonderful!

For the one that rated the lowest, what one small, simple thing might you do to make a BIG difference? I know it can be difficult to come up with something sometimes, but it might be something as simple as it was for me – eat a big enough breakfast to be at my best.  If after a few minutes you’re still having a difficult time and you really are committed to making the small, simple changes you know you need to make to more easily navigate through your divorce, reach out to me.  Schedule a Complimentary Consultation.  Together I’m confident we can identify what small, simple things you might do differently to make a BIG difference in your transition from married to single.

You can reach me by email at karen@functionaldivorce.com and by phone at 817-993-0561.

© 2012 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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4 Steps to Overcoming Overwhelm

April 26, 2012 in Emotional Divorce | Permalink

Overwhelm is an expected consequence of divorce. I say that because WITHOUT EXCEPTION it’s something I work on with every single one of my clients. It’s also something I had to learn how to overcome when I went through my own divorce. What I’m going to share with you today is EXACTLY what I share with my clients as we pick through the pieces of what makes up their overwhelm. The result? They ALWAYS feel calmer and more in control of their situation. You will too, if you follow these 4 steps.

Step 1: Get really clear and specific about what you’re feeling overwhelmed by. It’s not unusual for this step to be difficult. Many of the people I work with have a general idea of what’s going on with them, but to be specific can take some digging. Be willing to dig! What you find during your excavation process might be thoughts, tasks, beliefs, or even more feelings.

What’s surprising to most people is that simply by getting clear about what’s going on they can start to alleviate some of their overwhelm. In fact, one of my clients recently told me at the end of our session that simply by specifically identifying all that was contributing to his sense of overwhelm, he was already beginning to feel a sense of relief.

Step 2: Put each of these things into one of 3 buckets. Anything that’s contributing to your sense of overwhelm can be placed into one of 3 categories:

-I am the only one who can do anything about it

-I can delegate it

-I can drop it

What’s interesting to me is how often people will incorrectly categorize the things that are contributing to their sense of overwhelm into the first category. They decide that they are the only one who can do anything about it. What my clients and I usually find when we work through Step 2 together is they have been assuming incorrectly that they are the only one who can do anything about every single one of the things contributing to their overwhelm. To be fair, this assumption is partially true; you do need to decide what to do about each item. However, most people make this assumption because it’s either what they’ve always done or because they don’t feel comfortable asking for help. The truth is that even if you truly are the only one who can do anything about any particular item, you can almost always find someone who can help.

Look at all the items in each of the buckets. Ideally, the list in each category will be shorter than the list you identified in Step 1. If you’ve got one bucket holding all of the items from Step 1, take a deep breath and go through your items one more time. See if you can move any of the items to another bucket.

Step 3: Prioritize. Prioritizing is vital to overcoming overwhelm. The highest priority items are those you identified as needing to be dropped. Place a #1 next to the items in the “I can drop it” bucket.

Next look are your “I can delegate it” bucket and identify which item will take you the least amount of effort and provide you the most relief. Place a #2 next to this item. Identify the next item which will take you the least amount of effort and provide you the most relief. Place a #3 next to this item. Continue this process with all the items in your “I can delegate it” bucket.

Finally, move on to your “I am the only one who can do anything about it” bucket. Figure out which of these items will take you the least amount of effort and provide you the greatest sense of accomplishment. Place an A next to this item. Figure out which of the remaining items will take you the least amount of effort and provide you the greatest sense of accomplishment. Place a B next to this item. Continue this process for each of the items remaining.

Step 4: JDI This is where the Nike spirit comes into action. It’s time to Just Do It.

Start with all the #1′s and drop every single one of those things contributing to your overwhelm. Take a deep breath and notice how much easier you feel now that you know you no longer need to worry about any of them.

Next, take care of #2. Do what needs to be done to delegate this item to the appropriate person. When you’ve completed this delegation, take a deep breath and notice that you’re feeling more in control.

Next, take care of A. Remember this should be the easiest thing that only you can take care of. Go ahead and just get it done! When you do, I hope you’ll take at least a few moments to bask in a sense of accomplishment and increased ease because there are even fewer things in your “I am the only one who can do anything about it” bucket.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Step 1: Get really clear and specific about what you’re feeling overwhelmed by. Be sure and list everything. If something comes up after you’ve started one of the other steps, loop back here to Step 1 and continue back through all 4 steps.

Step 2: Put each of these things into one of 3 buckets. The 3 buckets are “I am the only one who can do anything about it”, “I can delegate it” and “I can drop it”.

Step 3: Prioritize. Remember that everything in the “I can drop it” bucket gets a #1. The items in the “I can delegate it” and the “I am the only one who can do anything about it” buckets get prioritized by asking yourself, “Which of these items will be easiest to get done and provide me with the greatest sense of relief?”. Everything in the “I can delegate bucket get a number starting with #2. Everything in the “I am the only one who can do anything about it” bucket gets a letter starting with A.

Step 4: JDI. Start with all the #1′s and drop them. Let them all go. Then go back and forth between the numbers and letters to get things done. For example, if you have 3 items in your “I can delegate it” bucket and 5 items in your “I am the only one who can do anything about it” bucket, you’d tackle the items in this order: #2, A, #3, B, #4, C, D, E.

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