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The 8 Keys to Trust in a Post-Divorce Relationship – Part 1

May 20, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce | Permalink

key

You’ve probably heard recommendations from other experts about how long you need to wait after divorce before you start dating.  These other experts recommend that you wait anywhere from just 1 year to 1 year for every 4 years you were married.

I disagree with these one-size-fits-all recommendations.  I believe that the only requirement for you to be able to successfully date after divorce is that you’ve finished your time in the Divorce Pits.  The Divorce Pits are where you experience the most painful feelings of divorce – grief, anger, guilt and rejection.

I hope you can agree with me that you wouldn’t want to date someone consumed with the Divorce Pits.  So, if you’re consumed with them, you’re probably not going to find someone who wants to date you either.  (You can find out if you’re still in the Divorce Pits by taking the assessment at http://www.functionaldivorce.com/fdas.html.)

Once you’re out of the Pits, you’re cleared to date.  There are all kinds of ways you can meet people to date and I’ll save a discussion of that for some other time.  The point I want to get to here is that your dating should be helping you to determine what you do and don’t like about yourself and others in a relationship.  There are all kinds of things that people do and don’t want in a relationship, but the one thing that EVERYONE WANTS is to be able to trust their partner.

For many of us post-divorce, our ability to trust another isn’t quite working ideally.  That’s why I recommend you build your trust in yourself first (read more at http://www.functionaldivorce.com/blog/2013/05/06/trust-yourself/), then build your trust in friendships (read more at http://www.functionaldivorce.com/blog/2013/05/11/who-can-you-trust/), before trusting someone in a committed relationship.  The question I always get from my clients about this is how do I know if I can trust someone?

You can feel pretty confident about trusting someone in a committed relationship by using 8 different keys.  These keys are things that you need to examine both in the other person and in your ability to give to them.

We’ll start with the first four keys today and save the other four for next week’s article.

The first 4 keys to trust in a post-divorce relationship are

  1. Clarity – Clarity refers to the ability you and your partner have communicating with each other AND in the clarity you each have individually about being in the relationship.  Are you both open and clear about what you want from the relationship?  Are you both clear about what needs you’d like to have the other meet?  Are you both clear about what you are and are not willing to do in the relationship?  The important point about each of these questions is that you’re clear individually without any pressure from the other person or fear of losing the relationship and that you’re able to clearly communicate this to each other.  (You should also be aware that after divorce we all change a lot, so just because you’re clear about what you want today, next month, next quarter, next year, your needs of the relationship may change and you both need to be willing to continue being clear for the duration of the relationship.)
  2. Compassion – Compassion refers to the ability you’ve each got to care for the other.  Compassion in a healthy relationship MUST be two-way.  There are times when one partner may need more compassion than another, but if the flow of compassion is only one-way, the relationship isn’t conducive to building the level of trust necessary for a long-term committed relationship.
  3. Character – Character is who you each are as individuals and in the relationship.  It’s not unusual for people to behave one way in front of others and another way in the privacy of their relationship.  If you find that you’re not behaving like yourself in a relationship, that’s not a healthy relationship for you.  If you find that you don’t care for the way the person you’re dating regularly behaves, then they’re not the right person for you.
  4. Competency – Competency can sound like a funny criterion for trust in a dating or love relationship, but it’s really important.  Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is simply incapable of meeting your needs of the relationship?  I doubt it.  That’s why I believe it’s critical that you get some clarity on what you want in a relationship and what you’re willing to give to a relationship.  Once you know that, you’ll have an idea of whether or not you’ve both got the competency to be in a relationship together.

I know that this is only half of the list, but it’s a lot of information!  These aren’t necessarily simple keys.  They require careful thought and a deep awareness of your feelings.  But armed with these first keys, you’ve got a great starting point for figuring out if the person or people you’re dating are right for you to enter into a deeper relationship with.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Get clear about what you want in your post-divorce relationships.  You might be looking for your next great love or you might be looking for someone to hang out with and just have fun.  It’s important that you get clear about what you want so you’ll be able to know if dating someone is in your best interest or not.  AND so that you’ll be able to have clarity telling the other person what you want.

How might you determine if the other person is compassionate?  In my experience, this is one of those keys that takes time to evaluate.  You might be able to tell enough about someone’s lack of compassion quickly.  However, if it’s not glaringly obvious that the other person isn’t compassionate, then seeing how you both act in stressful situations is probably the quickest way to determine your level of compassion for yourselves and each other.

If you’re in a relationship with someone, do you like who you are when you’re with them?  For most of us who divorced, when we take an honest look back at our marriage we can usually find something about ourselves in the marriage that we’ve since changed or are in the process of changing.  There was something about what our marriage had become that caused us to be less than ourselves.  It’s so very important that you not enter into another relationship that might cause you to not appreciate yourself 100%.  So, if you don’t like whom you are when you’re with someone, it’s time to end that relationship.  If you do like who you are when you’re with someone, the relationship just might be working and you might be closer to building trust.

Is the person you’re in relationship with capable of meeting your needs?  Are you capable of meeting theirs?  If your answer is “yes” to both questions, you’ve got another key for building trust in this relationship.  If not, then this relationship probably isn’t in your best interest to continue for long.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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Do You REALLY Trust Yourself?

May 6, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce | 1 comment

self-trust

Divorce is one of those life events that can cause you to question EVERYTHING.

At least that’s what happened for me.  Somehow my change of marital status caused me to wonder if anything about my life was what I thought it was– was any of it real?  How could I know what was real and what wasn’t?  After all, I had thought I’d be married to my ex-husband for the rest of my life and that wasn’t true so what really was true about the rest of my life?  I felt hopelessly lost.

Slowly, though, I began to understand that the only path out of a life of being hopelessly lost was to begin to trust myself again.  I needed to believe that I could trust myself and that I was the only one who would know what was and wasn’t true for me.  Knowing which path to take is different from actually walking down the path.  The walk, for me, took a while because I was walking blind-folded.

When I look back at that time in my life, I know that it took me longer to walk the path to self-trust than it might have.  I didn’t know where the path was headed or what was required of me to successfully walk it.  But I know it now.  I know the path now because of my own journey and because of the journeys I’ve been honored to watch my clients make too.

I’m going to share my knowledge with you so you will be able to walk your own path back to self-trust without a blindfold.

Before I start with the how-to’s of building self-trust, it’s important to define the term.  Self-trust is the ability to make decisions, to know that your emotions and feelings are real, and to take care of yourself.  It’s a fairly lengthy definition, isn’t it?  Basically, self-trust involves trusting yourself on EVERY level – cognitively, emotionally, logically, intuitively and physically.

I’ll bet you’re wondering, “With a concept this big, where do I start?”  You start with a decision to build your self-trust and then you roll up your sleeves and begin to work.  It won’t be (at least not for most of us) a magical process that once you make the decision you’ll automatically have a wonderful sense of self-trust, but with consistent work you’ll definitely make significant progress in a fairly short period of time.

Here are 6 steps you can use to build your self-trust:

1.  Eliminate victim mentality.  Victim mentality is living in the belief that things happen to you and you have zero impact, influence or control over what happens to you.  I’m not suggesting that you can’t be a victim.  What I’m suggesting is that you don’t want to let that be your entire story.  Yes, bad things do happen and you can choose how you move on from those things.

As an example, suppose you are divorcing because your spouse cheated on you.  You can either live the rest of your life feeling like a victim of your spouse’s choice or you can come to accept that your spouse’s choice was hurtful and you can still move on with the rest of your life regardless of what your spouse has done.

2.  Eliminate negative thoughts about yourself.  Regardless of whether or not you’re going through divorce, most of us have negative self-talk – you know, those voices in your head that are constantly criticizing you in some way.  A friend of mine calls them the shitty committee.  Learning to quiet those voices and recognize them for what they are is an incredibly powerful skill.

Most of the time, those hyper-critical voices are that way because they’re trying to protect you from something.  For years, my negative self-talk revolved around not liking myself.  It took a while for me understand what was behind those messages, but I finally realized that it was because I wasn’t trusting myself to know what was best for me.  I would often defer what I wanted to what my ex-husband wanted.  Once I came to this realization, it was much easier for me to quiet those negative thoughts and pay more attention to what I wanted.

3.  Recognize your strengths and successes.  This has a lot to do with self-esteem and knowing that you are capable because you have innate strengths and because you’ve been successful in the past.

I’ve written a previous blog post about how to do this and instead of re-writing it here, I’ll just direct you to that post: http://www.functionaldivorce.com/blog/2012/03/30/a-quick-and-simple-way-to-dump-divorce-depression/

4.  Become aware of what you’re thinking and feeling.  Now that you’ve eliminated a bunch of the stinking thinking in the first 3 steps, you’re ready to start being pro-active with building your self-trust and it all begins with paying attention to what you’re thinking and feeling (both physically and emotionally).

There are a couple of different ways to do this.  The first is to ask yourself at least 3 times during each day just what you’re thinking and feeling at that particular moment.  Once you have that answer you can then decide what if anything you want to do to improve how you’re thinking and feeling.  The second way is to journal about your thoughts and feelings.  Most people are more aware of their thoughts than their feelings.  If this is you, you might want to journal by using the phrase “I feel…” as many times as you need to so you can get everything out.

5.  Keep your word to yourself.  Believe it or not we all make promises to ourselves every day: “I won’t eat any more sweets”, “I will start a daily exercise routine today”, “As soon as I finish this report, I’ll take a break to clear my head before starting my next task.”  The thing is that despite our promises we wind up eating a fresh-baked cookie a friend brought over to share, we skip a day of exercise and soon we’ve stopped exercising all together, and we skip taking a break because we talk ourselves into believing we didn’t really need it after all.  Breaking promises we make to ourselves, sets us up to have a poor level of self-trust.

I used to be especially bad at keeping my promises to myself involving rest, relaxation and fun.  I’d usually feel guilty if I wasn’t working and pushing myself all the time and yet I’d hate myself for not taking care of me.  It was really a vicious cycle.  What I discovered by allowing myself to keep my word to myself about rest, relaxation and fun was that I had LOTS more energy for getting my work and workouts done.

6.  Learn from your mistakes.  This is the biggie when it comes to divorce.  It takes two for a marriage to not work.  (I know that might be an offensive statement to some, but it’s what I believe and if you’d like to discuss it with me, please do!  You can reach me at karen@functionaldivorce.com.)  Learning what your part in the divorce was will go a long way toward helping you build your sense of self-trust because you’ll know that you can take care of yourself.

It took me a while to recognize that I played an active part in my divorce, that I wasn’t a victim, and that there were things I could learn from my failed marriage.

Yes, this is really the master’s level of self-trust.  Being able to realize that you are going to make mistakes at times and still trust yourself because you are willing to learn from your mistakes will allow you to take appropriate risks and live a wonderful life.

Once you’ve conquered these 6 steps, you’ll be well on your way to trusting yourself again.  So, the next time something happens in your life that changes everything, your ability to trust yourself will help prevent you from feeling hopelessly lost again.  Even if you do wind up questioning EVERYTHING, you’ll be able to trust your answers because you’ve learned to trust yourself.

 

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Make the decision that you can trust yourself even if you aren’t sure you do right now.  Making the decision is always the first step in making a change.  Learning to trust yourself is critical to having a wonderful life.  Emerson said “Self-trust is the first secret to success” and I agree completely!

Take the checklist above one step at a time.  Start at the top of the list and work your way through each step.  Some may be easier for you to do than others and you may want to re-do some steps along the way, but if you work through them in this order it will be easier for you to master each of them.

Know your limits.  This is one of those extra bonus things about trusting yourself.  As you trust yourself more you’ll know exactly when you need to ask for help and what kind of help you need.  If what you know you need is someone to help hold you accountable to doing what you need to do to build your trust, then give me a call (817-993-0561) and let’s spend some time putting together a strategy to get you on your journey to feeling better about yourself and your life.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

 

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Part 2: How to Decrease Stress when you’re going Through Divorce

April 22, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce | Permalink

closet

When I was a little girl and let my dad know that I wasn’t feeling well, he’d ask how I was feeling.  If I couldn’t give him anything more than an “I don’t know” he’d pass on some advice he got from his mom.  “Go take a shower.  You’ll feel better.”  And you know what?  I did!

Over the years, I’ve learned that a shower is a great start, but I’ve realized that it takes more than that to really feel good about myself and decrease my stress.  I’ve shared my philosophy with my clients and they report that they feel more relaxed and better about themselves too.

So you’re probably wondering what exactly my philosophy is… Yes, it does start with following my grandmother’s advice to shower every day, but it goes much further than that.

How you look plays a big part in how you feel!  At the risk of sounding like Stacy and Clinton on TLC’s What Not to Wear, taking care of your appearance really does impact how you feel.  In addition to helping you feel more confident, you’ll feel calmer too.

You’ll feel best when you’ve got the whole package – clothes that are flattering, fit you well and that you feel great in, a haircut that is flattering and easy for you to style, flattering and current makeup, along with flattering and current facial hair for the guys.

Believe me, it’s worth spending a little time and a little money to update your look when you’re going through divorce.  In fact, after my divorce was final, I actually invested in working with an image consultant.  She really opened my eyes to the way I was undermining myself with my wardrobe, hairstyle and makeup.  It was after I felt confident about how I looked that I was confident and calm enough to begin dating.  My clients who have examined and adjusted their appearance after their divorce was final have also had a lot more confidence to date too.

I know that you might have read all of this and thought it seems pretty superficial, but you’ll never know the profound change feeling confident in your appearance can make until you try it.  No one I’ve worked with who has made an effort to take care of their appearance has felt it was a waste.  Everyone who’s made the effort has felt more calm and confident.  I’ll bet you will too!

 

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Take all the clothes that are stained, torn or don’t fit you anymore out of your closet.  Removing the things that need to be either thrown out, given away or put in a bag to be worn only when you’re painting will remove the temptation to put them on.

Take all the shoes, belts, bags, and other accessories that are worn out, don’t fit or are out of style out of your closet.  If the item has more life in it, give it away.  If not, throw it out or stuff it in the bag with your other painting things.

Once you’ve removed the things that aren’t working for you from your closet, you’ll be left with only the things that work for you which (along with that shower my grandma suggested) should leave you feeling calmer and more confident every morning.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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3 Steps to Spring Clean Your Relationships

April 8, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Social Divorce | Permalink

spring cleaning

One of the tasks on nearly everyone’s to-do list this time of year is spring cleaning.  After having our homes closed up for the winter, it’s nice to open up the windows and make our homes spick-and-span.  I guess it goes along with spring in general since it’s when nature is new and fresh again.

As I was thinking about my own spring cleaning, I started to wonder about the possibility of spring cleaning our relationships.  (Yes, technically I guess this thought process counts as procrastinating, but I’ll leave that discussion, the bucket of cleaning supplies, and the toilet for another time.)

I realized that relationships, just like our homes, need to be refreshed, cleaned up and have all the junk removed from them periodically.

There is plenty of advice on the web for what you need to do to thoroughly spring clean your home, but I’ll bet this will be your first list of what to do to spring clean your relationships!

1.  Get rid of the junk – lots of people have relationships in which they can’t be themselves; they’re always acting and pretending to be what the other person wants.  These types of relationships are junk because you’re not able to be authentically you and they’re very draining.

Now when I say get rid of the junk relationships, I don’t necessarily mean get rid of the relationship itself.  What I mean is that the way the relationship currently exists needs to change.  It needs to change in a way that allows you to be completely yourself and allows the other person to be completely themselves too.

2.  Air things out – at some time or another, we’ve all chosen to keep quiet and stew over something that’s happened in a relationship.  I know it was probably the best answer at the time we made it, but it’s not the best answer in the long term.  The reason is that these things can cause resentment and undermine a relationship.

Taking great care of relationships means that it’s important we take the time to clear the air by addressing what needs to be addressed and/or forgiving what needs to be forgiven so we can breathe easier within each of our relationships.

3.  Clean all the surfaces – our best relationships are multi-faceted.  They support us in all kinds of ways.  We share our lives with each other – the joys, sadnesses, fears and triumphs.  We give each other room to dream about how we want our lives to be and we help each other accomplish our dreams.  We also have fun together – lots of fun!

It’s worth the time to think about each relationship and figure out how each facet within it is working.  Are both people feeling supported and sharing the important stuff along with the superficial?  When’s the last time you just had some fun together?

Although this list only has 3 items on it, completing these tasks will definitely require some work.  But let me assure you that the work is DEFINITELY worth it because, as my husband likes to regularly remind me, no one is an island and we all do better when our relationships are working.

Now that I’ve completed my thoughts on spring cleaning relationships, I guess it’s time to give my attention back to the bucket of cleaning supplies and the toilet.

Your Friendly Coaching Assignment:

Pick out a relationship you’d like to spruce up for spring.  Each of our relationships can use a periodic renewal.  Pick the one you’d like to focus on improving.

Start with the junk. What are the ways you’re not being 100% you in the relationship you want to spruce up?  Are you suspicious that the other person isn’t being 100% themselves?  If there is any lack of authenticity within the relationship, you’ll probably want to help each other to be 100% authentic or else decide the relationship is not going to be a deep one.

Open the windows of communication. Once you know the relationship is worth keeping and nurturing, you’ll want to be sure and air out what needs to be aired.  Letting go of past grievances either by talking about them and/or by forgiving them will definitely breathe new life into any relationship.

Get out your white glove and check all the surfaces.  Since every relationship is multi-faceted, taking some time to make sure every surface of your relationship is working for both of you is vital to growing and improving it.

Repeat as necessary and enjoy the rest of the year with your renewed relationships.  

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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Changing Your Mood Might be as Easy as Changing Your Shirt

March 3, 2013 in Emotional Divorce | Permalink

colors

One of the most curious things that happened when I was going through my divorce was that I started to wear black almost all the time.  What was so curious about it was that I had always loved color, but for some reason I didn’t understand then, I was drawn to wearing all black for quite a while.  It was really different for me and many of my friends commented on my new wardrobe choices.

At the time, I didn’t think too much about it.  And after about 6 months, I started to wear more colorful clothing again.

A few years ago, while doing research about emotions and ways that environment affects our moods, I found there is a wealth of research on how colors affect our moods and vice versa.  I was really surprised by what I learned because it explained why I had been drawn to different colors while I was going through the worst of my divorce.

Here are some of the things I’d like to share with you about color and how it can affect or reflect feelings:

Black Many of us associate the color black with mourning and that was my first guess as to why I was drawn to it during the worst of my divorce.  Well, according to color therapy theory, black is also the color that gives us space for reflection and inner searching.  I have to tell you that I was doing a whole lot of thinking and trying to figure things out while going through my divorce and so this makes a lot of sense to me.
Blue Blue is the color of a beautiful Caribbean sea and the color of a sunny sky.  Like a sunny day spent lazing on the beach, blue is the color of relaxation.  Color theorists say that blue also promotes relaxation and healing.
Red Red is a VERY energizing color.  You probably remember from watching cartoons when you were a kid that when characters were angry their eyes became red.  You’ve probably also heard the phrase “seeing red” to indicate that someone is angry.  Red intensifies emotions, especially anger.
Yellow Yellow is an interesting color from a color theory point of view.  It is said to stimulate mental activity, promote feelings of self-confidence and increase alertness.  Who wouldn’t want a healthy dose of those feelings?
White White light contains all the colors.  If you need clarity in your thoughts, white may just be the color you need to see more of.

 

So does this color theory work?  Many believe it does.  I know that I enjoy being surrounded by colors and that some days I prefer one color over another.  I know that when I feel confident and calm, I do tend to wear blue.  When I’m feeling vibrant, I tend to choose red.  And when I need things to be more organized and clean, I tend to choose white.

What color are you wearing today?  Is it a reflection of your mood or thoughts?  Is it just the first clean thing you grabbed to put on?  Or is it your signature color?  You just might be surprised about what the color of your shirt says about how you’re feeling and thinking.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Determine if color therapy could be useful in your life.  This week, have some fun noting the colors you wear each day and how you feel.  At the end of the week, compare your color/mood combinations to the list above and see if your moods matched the colors.

If you find a correlation between the colors you wore and your moods, experiment with adding more of the colors you were wearing when you felt good.  Adding pops of the colors that help you to feel good into your home and office could help you to get back to and maintain a good feeling.

If you don’t find a correlation between the colors you wore and your moods, don’t worry, it just means that you’re probably not especially sensitive to colors right now.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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How a Small Shift Made a World of Difference

February 18, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce, Uncategorized | Permalink

shopping cart

As I was driving home from a networking event a couple of weeks ago, the low-gas light came on in my car.  I was so tired from all the activities of the day that I decided to wait until the next morning to fill my car up.

The next morning, I headed over to the gas station at Walmart.  As I got closer to the store, I debated with myself about whether I wanted to cut through the parking lot or wait through an extra light to get to the pumps.  If I went through the parking lot, I ran the risk of needing to wait for people crossing the road and other cars jockeying for the best parking spot.  If I waited for the light, I was stuck making 2 left-hand turns at lights.  I really don’t like having to wait for the lights to make the turns, so I chose to cut through the parking lot.

As I neared the entrance to Walmart, there was this older guy pushing his cart down the middle of the road.  My first thought was, “Figures!  I knew something like this would happen.”  Then I changed my mind and realized that in a few more years, that might be me struggling to maintain my dignity and do my own shopping even though it was hard for me to walk and wanting to minimize the walking I had to do even if it meant walking in the middle of the street to get to my car.  That thought immediately changed how I was feeling.  Instead of being frustrated and impatient, I relaxed and patiently waited for the man to get across the street.

After he moved out of the middle of the road, I continued on my way and filled my car up with gas.  I had a few things I wanted to pick up at Walmart, so I drove back through the parking lot in search for my own spot.

As I was slowly making my way up and down the aisles, I thought I spotted the same older guy walking back up to the store.  No, it couldn’t be, I reasoned.  It must just be another old man that reminded me of the first.  I found a great parking spot and walked into the store to buy a couple of things.

As I was walking out of the store I noticed an old guy sitting on one of those motorized carts with his head in his hands.  I almost got all the way out the doors before I realized that it was the same guy I kept seeing!  I walked up to him and asked, “Didn’t I see you walk out of the store earlier?”  He told me yes and that he was having a hard time finding his car.  I asked him what kind of car he was driving and he told me a dark blue Kia.  So I started out of the store on a mission to find his car for him.

I got just outside and I realized that I would never spot his car and that I should ask him if he was comfortable with me driving him around the parking lot looking for his car.  He about jumped out of the motorized cart he was so happy to have me help him like that.  We gathered up his bags and started out to my car.

I could tell he was really pushing himself to walk quickly, but I kept a slow pace and just chatted with him about where I had parked and hoping to give him the idea that I had plenty of time and I was parked close enough that he wouldn’t have to walk too far.

And then, just as we reached the parking aisle, he looked over to the right and said, “Is that my car?”  Sure enough, he found his car right away – before we had even reached mine.

As I was helping him get his bags into his car, he admitted that he wasn’t supposed to be out walking without his walker and that he was so thankful to be back to his car.

Now it was a little thing for me to notice that an old man was walking down the middle of the street in a parking lot.  It was another little thing for me to notice an old man walking back into Walmart.  And it was yet another little thing for me to notice a tired old man sitting in a motorized shopping cart.  But it was a big thing to that man.

Little things are like that.  Individually, they’re itty-bitty things, but added together, they can make a world of difference.  I’m not just talking about how little things can add up for helping someone else, but even for us.  In fact, this idea of itty-bitty things added together is a major philosophy behind the work I do.  For anyone going through divorce, making little changes in perception and then taking action can create a world of difference.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

What little things have you chosen not to notice that might make a big difference in your life?  Just like my noticing the old man walking back and forth through the Walmart parking lot, what might you need to notice about you or your kids as you’re transitioning from married to single?

Now that you’ve noticed something you might have overlooked before what do you need to do to make a difference?  The thing you choose to do might be something small, but sometimes something small is all it takes to make a world of difference.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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Divorce is Tough. The Mortgage Doesn’t Have to Be.

January 31, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Financial Divorce, Functional Divorce, Legal Divorce | Permalink

home

By Mark Watson, Loan Officer, Guardian Mortgage Company, Inc. www.guardianmortgageonline.com

This is a terrific article.  It’s jam-packed with information that I am so happy to be able to share!  I’ve added just a few comments in square brackets []. 

If you are going through a divorce, you are probably exhausted by all the details and decisions that have to be made as the two of you separate. Even in the most amicable situations it can be very emotional. [Remember there are the 5 facets of divorce – social, emotional, legal, financial and functional – that all overlap.  So it makes sense that in the midst of making the decisions required to divorce that you would experience a lot of emotions.]  There is usually a lot of discussion about the house as it usually represents the family’s largest asset. [Dealing with an asset would be an example of the financial facet of divorce. When dealing with the financial facet of divorce it’s best to remain primarily in a business mindset instead of an emotional one because you’ll be better able to make decisions you can live with for the long haul.]

While divorce is a tough process, resolving the mortgage doesn’t have to be. According to Mark Watson, Vice President of Guardian Mortgage Company in Plano, Texas, there are three things homeowners can do to make it easier on themselves:

  1. Make realistic decisions.
  2. Understand your loan options.
  3. Seek help.

Make Realistic Decisions.

In many divorces, the home is refinanced in the name of one of the spouses and any profit or losses are negotiated between the couple. Sometimes the home is sold, and sometimes there is a long-term agreement in place about the home. Occasionally, a house with no mortgage is given to one spouse as part of the divorce settlement.

“It makes no difference to the mortgage company whether or not the name changes on the mortgage,” notes Watson. “However, the spouse no longer living in the home usually does not want to be responsible for it. Plus, they may want some cash out of it.”

If there is no mortgage on the home, and one spouse plans to keep it as part of the settlement, the process is simple. “The attorney prepares a quit-claim deed and records it as part of the divorce,” says Watson. “The home belongs to just one spouse from that point forward.”

Most homes have a mortgage, though. There are a number of questions that must be answered in order to pick the right process for your situation, but the most important is “which spouse can afford to keep the home after the divorce?” It is often the most difficult as there is often a lot of emotional attachment towards the house that may not have anything to do with the financial realities of the situation.  [The best way to answer these questions is from a business-minded perspective.  The “businesses” to be considered are the financial business of each spouse post-divorce as well as the business of raising happy, healthy children.]

The spouse with primary custody of the children will often want to keep the home to provide a stable environment and to stay near school and friends.

“I often see couples where the wife isn’t working and hasn’t worked in years,” says Bruce Rayburn of The Rayburn Group of Ebby Halliday Realtors based in Plano, Texas. “This makes it very hard to qualify for a refinance. Even if both spouses were working at the time of the divorce, it doesn’t mean either spouse can afford the mortgage with only one salary.”

“Even getting child support is often not enough,” Rayburn adds.

Besides the amount of income required to qualify for a refinance, the source of the income makes a difference. “For conforming loans ($417,000 or less in most areas of Texas), alimony and child support cannot count towards qualifying income until there have been at least three months of steady payments. In addition, the paying spouse must be required by law to pay for at least three years after the closing date of the sale,” notes Watson.

“For FHA Loans, the requirement is six months of payment. Furthermore, if the amount of alimony or child support is greater than 30% of the borrower’s income, then a full year’s worth of reliable payments is required.”

Understand Your Loan Options.

Many couples believe that they have to sell or refinance the home in order to finalize the divorce, which is not always the case. Sometimes sale or refinance of the home is delayed for months to years.

According to attorney Penny Phillips of Plano, Texas, many families with children want to keep the family home for them until they are older and/or in college. “In this case, one spouse will sometimes agree to wait to get the equity out of the house until after the children have left,” says Phillips.

In Texas, a lien can be placed on the house – called an Owelty Lien Agreement – such that one spouse will own the house, but the other will still retain rights to equity that was present in the house at the time of the divorce. This gives the first spouse the right to make improvements and to own the home, but the second spouse will get his or her share of the equity later when the kids are grown or the market improves or whatever reason the couple has chosen to wait.

“It is a win-win because the owner-spouse gets the benefit of all improvements and equity growth in the meantime, but the other spouse still gets the benefit of all the years of contributing to the equity when they were married,” adds Phillips.

“Since the home is not sold or refinanced, there is no need for the remaining spouse to get qualified for a new mortgage until the cash-out time. They just need to keep making timely payments. This is a good solution for situations where the divorce is fairly amicable and the spouses can work together for this common goal. I always advise that they tell the mortgage company about the divorce, however, as both partners need to continue to get notices about the loan,” says Phillips.  [Just because a divorce starts out amicably doesn’t mean it will stay that way.  To keep a divorce amicable for the long-haul requires regular, respectful communication.]

“We generally see Owelty Liens when a couple is in the process of refinancing the home,” notes Watson. “You don’t need to wait a specific amount of time to use it, and it has the added benefit of letting you do a “special purpose” refinance and go up to 95% of the appraised value of the home. This provides more equity at the end of the process.

“Current “cash-out” guidelines for refinancing in Texas allow for financing up to 80% of the loan value. A special purpose refinance allows you to get an extra 15% out of the home, which is then shared between the couple as per the terms of their divorce. I always talk to my clients about Owelty Liens because it can make a big difference if one partner is trying to buy another home, for example. Also, if the other partner finds out after the fact that they could have gotten more cash out of the refinance and didn’t, it can cause more unhappiness all around.”

Seek Help.

Dividing up the marriage assets is emotional and financially risky if you are not sure what you are doing. Early in the divorce, both spouses should consult their mortgage provider, realtor and CPA as well as an attorney in order to review their options and the financial and tax consequences of certain decisions. These objective outsiders will help you navigate your particular situation and direct you to other resources. In addition, they can act as a go-between if the divorce is contentious. [One other divorce professional you may want to contact when dealing with the financial questions of divorce is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst.  These people are trained in how to help couples develop different scenarios for an equitable division of assets and debts.]

“It is a false economy to do a divorce yourself. I’ve seen couples ruin their credit by doing it wrong. In one case, so many mistakes were made; one partner almost went to jail. It’s not worth it,” said Phillips. “Plus the experts can tell you about Owelty Liens and other ways to get the best out of a bad situation.”

“Lack of communication makes the divorce harder,” says Rayburn. “I often will work with both spouses in a divorce to help sell the old home, refinance and/or find a new, less expensive home if that is their post-divorce reality. I’ve even helped people through multiple relationships over the years because I was able to facilitate communications between the parties.”

“I often give my clients a list of good appraisers to call on,” says Watson. “Even if they don’t plan to sell or refinance right away, they need an appraisal in order to fairly determine the value of the home for the divorce settlement. I can then take that appraisal and show them how much equity is in the house so they can have more meaningful discussions.”

As with most issues related to divorce, there is no single best way to handle your mortgage. Divorcing couples must take a long look at their finances, and make realistic decisions based on a thorough understanding of their options.

Have more questions about how to handle your mortgage through divorce? Contact an experienced loan officer like Mark Watson at Guardian Mortgage Company today about your specific situation. Guardian Mortgage Company has been serving North Texas since 1965. Mark Watson (214) 473-7954 or MarkWatson@gmc-inc.com.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

If you’re at the point of trying to decide what to do with the marital home, focus on the business decision you need to make.  Despite how much you are attached to your home, the fact is it’s just a thing, a place.  Spending your energy deciding how to best deal with this marital asset instead of what it represents will help you come to the best decision for you – the decision that you’ll be most comfortable with in the long haul.

If it’s difficult for you to separate the business aspect of this decision from the emotional one, give me a call at 817-993-0561 so we can schedule a Complimentary Consultation and together we’ll figure out a way for you to have an easier time making the decisions you need to make as part of your divorce.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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Have a Great Online Dating Experience

January 21, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce, Social Divorce, Uncategorized | Permalink

Dating

Dating after divorce can be confusing. After all, it’s probably been a while since you last dated and things have CHANGED since then.

One of the biggest changes in dating over the last 10-15 years is the number of people who use online dating services. Did you know there are even websites dedicated to letting you know who the top online dating services are? These services are a BIG business and it’s OK to use them.  When my clients decide to start dating, most of them use an online dating service or two. Heck I even used one to meet my 2nd (and current) husband.

Online dating, just like any other kind of dating, is terrific IF you’re aware of these three pitfalls.

The first pitfall is lack of safety. I’ve heard stories from both men and women about some positively scary situations they found themselves in when they met a date. Here are some key things you can do to be a bit safer when you date online:

When you’re using an online dating service, be careful of your identity. Don’t use your full name on your profile that’s open to the public.

Ask the other person for their number, don’t freely give yours away. It’s OK to block your number and make your first call(s) anonymously.

For heaven’s sake, DON’T give someone you’ve never met your address to come pick you up. When you’re ready to meet someone, arrange to meet them someplace public. Park someplace where there are lots of others coming and going. It’s also a good idea to let someone know someone know where you are going to be meeting your date and have them call if they haven’t heard from you in a couple of hours.

The second pitfall is looking for a spouse instead of learning to date. One of the most common things I see people do when they’re starting to date again is to focus on finding a spouse instead of focusing on dating. There’s a big difference between the two!

When you focus on finding a spouse, going out becomes a lot more serious, a lot more intense. You might even start to worry about how many dates you go on before you decide if you want to be serious with this person. Sometimes you don’t go out with more than one person at a time because you want to make sure you give the current person the benefit of the doubt.

When you’re focused on dating, the whole thing is a bit more casual.  There’s less stress and pressure to impress and more emphasis on figuring out whether or not you’re enjoying yourself.  Focusing on dating is a great way to learn what you do and don’t like about others and yourself when you’re around them.  This knowledge will allow you to move on when it’s right for you.  One important point here is that you need to be up-front with the people you’re dating to let them know where you’re coming from and so they don’t get the wrong idea about your intentions.

The third pitfall is thinking you must respond and/or date everyone who contacts you. You have no responsibility to the people who reach out to you. You don’t have to respond to everyone and you definitely don’t have to go out with all of them either. You deserve to be picky about who you spend your time on and with. Your time and how you spend it is how you create your life, so be picky about whom you spend time with!

I want you to think of dating as cultivating friends and learning about yourself. Most people aren’t ready to get into another serious relationship right after they get divorced. They need some time to rediscover themselves and figure out what they do and don’t like about other people. That means going out with other people to have fun.

Dating is supposed to be fun and using the online services can be a great way to meet some amazing people. Just be sure to avoid the pitfalls!

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Do some research. There really are a lot of sites out there to help you meet people to date. Each site has its own personality. Check out a few and decide which site or sites best fit you.

Be open to learning about yourself. The dating experience should be fun and put you and your date in new situations that will allow you both to learn about yourselves and each other. Successful dating requires that you be ready to learn stuff about yourself without the expectation that you or your date be perfect.

Are you ready to date? OK, this probably should have been the first step of the assignment, but I saved it to last so you’d be sure to see it. There’s no rule about when you’re ready to date, but generally you want to be through the worst of the emotional part of your divorce. If you’re curious to know where you are on the continuum of being through with the emotional part of your divorce you need to check out the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale (FDAS) at www.functionaldivorce.com/fdas.html

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Wrapping Up 2012

December 21, 2012 in Emotional Divorce, Financial Divorce, Functional Divorce, Social Divorce | Permalink

Most of us tend to be forward thinkers.  We’re always looking at what’s next.  As soon as we finish one thing, we rarely take the time to savor our success before we’re off to the next task or adventure.

This time of year, most Americans are gung-ho about their New Year’s resolutions before the struggling of achieving them sets in over the next few days.

One of the best ways to build the strength and determination to achieve your New Year’s resolutions is to build your belief in yourself by spending a little time reviewing all the good things that happened in 2012 – especially those things that help you know you can achieve your resolutions.

When you’re going through divorce, it’s especially important that you take time out to savor the good things.  For most people, divorce has a way of coloring things with a more negative cast.  The thing is there are usually good things that happened during the past year too.  It’s worth the time to find and appreciate them so your world view can be a bit rosier and happier.

When I review all the things I’ve done, accomplished, and experienced in the previous year, I’m always amazed at how much good stuff I packed into the year!  It takes me a couple hours to review my calendar, my business results, photos, my facebook wall posts, and my tweets for the previous year.  Besides allowing me the time to appreciate my family, friends, business associates and clients, my year-end review helps me to prepare for the coming year and set more realistic resolutions for the New Year.

 

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

 

Make your year-end review a priority and schedule a couple of hours for it.  Once a year, it’s totally worth taking this time for yourself to review where you’ve been and see where you’d like to go.

Gather together your calendar, pictures and anything else that will help you remember all the good stuff from 2012.  You may be like me and want to check out your facebook wall too!

Keep your appointment with yourself.  Enjoy reviewing all the wonderful things that you got to do, see, and accomplish in 2012.  Use the oomph you get from this to help you set and accomplish the resolutions you’ve made for yourself.

Schedule more time if you need it.  I find that sometimes people need a bit more time to get through their year-end review when they’re going through divorce.  Sometimes the review can trigger some other emotions that need to be worked through.  If that happens to you, don’t worry, you’re not alone.  Allow yourself the time you need to process your thoughts and feelings and then get back to enjoying the good things.

If you’re ready for an outside perspective and ready to get the help you deserve to make 2013 your best yet, reach out to me by email at karen@functionaldivorce.com or by phone at 817-993-0561.  We can schedule a Complimentary Consultation to help you put your plans in place for making 2013 your best year yet!

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Flexibility: It’s About More Than Just Muscles

December 17, 2012 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce | Permalink

Life changes a lot when you separate and divorce. Things that used to be a regular part of life just aren’t anymore. And when things change in unexpected ways, we can get scared, frustrated and angry.

When clients begin working with me, they’re usually experiencing some combination of fear, frustration and anger. One of the first things we do is dive into what’s behind or at the root of these emotions. What we usually discover on our deep dive are limits that have been disregarded in some way. The limits could be behaviors, expectations, thoughts, beliefs or even habits.

The identification of your personal limits is a critical part of restructuring your life during and after divorce.

Some people are quite adept at identifying their limits – what they can and can’t do, what they think and why they think it, what they expect and why they expect it and what their habits of thought, belief, response and action are.

Others aren’t as aware of their limits. They aren’t quite sure of what their limits are or even if they want to know because they do and think what others tell them to.

And then there are people everywhere in between these two extremes.

Regardless of your starting point, I think knowing and understanding your limits is one of the key pieces to successfully navigating divorce. Your limits can help you understand what’s truly important to you as you negotiate your settlement. And knowing your limits will even allow you to ask for help and support when you need it.

Your limits will be tested, pushed, prodded, and beat against before, during, and after your separation and divorce. Who’s doing all this “exploring”? EVERYONE. Or at least it will probably feel that way. However, the chief “explorers” are usually your soon-to-be-ex and you. I’ll bet you already get how your soon-to-be-ex figures in here, but did you expect to also be one the chief “explorers”? The thing is that by virtue of going through the divorce process you’re asking yourself to completely redefine what your life is like. And anytime you or anyone else changes it’s a matter of testing and exploring previous limits.

I know all the testing, pushing, prodding, and beating against limits is at a minimum uncomfortable and at worst excruciating. However, the payoff is either an adjustment or a reaffirming of your limits along with, ideally, improved ways of communicating them to yourself and others. With your new limits you’re most often better off than you were with your old limits. Kinda like that old adage – what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.

Great, right? There’s going to be some struggle and then things will be better. UGH! There’s nothing there about how to make the transition from married to divorce easier! And here’s where I’m going to tell you that the way to make things easier is to be flexible and loving while you’re exploring your limits so you can adjust and evaluate them by choice instead of by force.

By allowing yourself to be flexible as you explore your limits you’ll be much more able to understand and choose what to do with your limits and your life as you move forward through your divorce process. The flexibility will also allow you to negotiate from a more confident spot because you’ll be able to more easily see the options available to you. Developing the ability to be flexible will help you now as you’re navigating your divorce, but throughout your life.

 

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Know your limits. As you’re proceeding through your separation and divorce process take note of your limits. You’ll probably become aware of them most easily when you’re experiencing a strong emotion.

Explore your limits. Once you’ve identified a limit, ask yourself questions like “How did I develop this limit?”, “What’s the benefit of this limit?”, and “What might adjusting this limit be like?” Take note of what you discover about yourself.

Adjust your limits. Exploring limits almost always gives you new ideas of how to be, act, and think. Take advantage of your discoveries and adjust your limits in ways that make you feel wonderful!

As always, I’m here if you need some help in increasing your flexibility.   You can reach my by email at karen@functionaldivorce.com and by phone at 817-993-0561.

© 2012 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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