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Part 3: How to Decrease Stress when you’re going Through Divorce

April 29, 2013 in Functional Divorce, Uncategorized | Permalink

Office

I enjoy watching Project Runway because of the amazing outfits the contestants make.  This season there was one designer, Patricia, who was the stereotypical creative genius.  Her creativity was AMAZING and her workspace was a total disaster.  In fact, the state of her space made others on the show concerned!

Patricia’s workspace and the response others had to it made me laugh with a touch of embarrassment because, like Patricia, when I start working on a project, I’m not neat.  I have things strewn all over the place which really wouldn’t be bad except for the fact that I’m on to the next project before I’ve cleaned up the debris from the first one.  After a few projects, my office looks like the Tasmanian devil from the Bugs Bunny cartoons has paid a visit.  I tell myself that what matters is getting the next project done, but what I’ve FINALLY realized is that the general disaster area that I let my workspace become really impacts not only my ability to work, but how comfortable people (including me) feel coming into my office!

So 3 weeks ago, I had the help of an amazing professional organizer, Ashley Easley of MasterPeace Solutions.  She helped me fine-tune what I was doing into a really workable process that easily allows me to be creative with my projects and keep things nicely organized.  Now I feel good and energized being in my office.  I’ve also noticed that everyone else is less reluctant to enter now too.

And here’s how this all matters to you.  Even in the best of times, your environment plays a big part in how you feel.  When you’re going through divorce, you’re even more sensitive to your environment.

A lot of the stress of divorce comes from a sense of not being in control of the situations you find yourself in.  Having your surroundings unorganized adds to the general sense of chaos and loss of control.  So, one way many people find to decrease the stress they feel during divorce is to organize and clean.  Then there are others (and, yes, I fell into this category) who just look at the disorganization as being too much to deal with and then don’t do anything.

Just in case you’re like me, I’m going to share with you Ashley’s 5 C’s of Organizing.  I know that if I had had these 5 C’s back then, the plan would have given me hope that I could indeed help my stress by organizing my surroundings OR that there were professionals available to help me.

  1. Categorize – Sort like items together.  When Ashley was helping me with my office we had a bunch of papers on my desk that needed to be dealt with.  She helped me divide everything into piles on the floor of “to be filed”, “recycle”, “shred”, “needs more work”, and “goes in another place”.
  2. Consolidate – Once we had the piles created (or really anytime the piles got too big for me to look at) I shredded what needed to be shredded and deposited the things from the recycle pile into the recycle bin in the garage.
  3. Create – Once we had a handle on what needed to stay in my office and what needed to leave, we were able to figure out where everything needed to go and create space for it.
  4. Contain – What I needed to help me get my office under control was file folders and letter boxes.  By creating specific spots to put all the papers that I deal with as part of my work, it’s been TONS easier to find what I need when I need it and to put things away when I’m done with them.
  5. Continue – This is where I was really concerned, would I be able to continue keeping things in their proper places and getting rid of the things I didn’t need any more?  Well, I’m not batting 1000 yet, but I’m doing pretty great!  You can judge for yourself by taking a look at the before and after photos of my office.  (Yes, I took the after photo today.)

You can use this same technique to tackle one area of your home or office that is adding to the chaos of your divorce.  It might be a drawer, closet, desk, room or even your attic!  Today’s Your Functional Divorce Assignment will help you de-stress your environment.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Pick the one area you want to take control of.  I suggest starting small at first.  You’ve got a lot going on and being easy on yourself as you go through this process will make it more likely you’ll successfully finish it.

Schedule a block of time where you can focus on gaining control of the area.  If you have kids, you might want to choose a weekend when the kids are with their other parent.

Put Ashley’s 5C’s of Organization to work.  Having used the 5 C’s with Ashley, I can tell you, it’s pretty easy to follow when you have the discipline to do it and not get caught up in “rediscovering” what you’ve unearthed.  I was thankful to have Ashley around to help me focus on completing the job.  And, with the focus she provided, we made amazing progress in our time together!

Ask for help if you need it.  It’s truly OK to ask for help to keep you focused on gaining control of the area you’ve picked.  You might want to call a friend to support you, call your coach to keep you accountable, or hire a professional organizer like Ashley!

Enjoy.  Yes, the last step is to enjoy the fruits of your labor and the greater sense of peace from having a little less chaos in your life.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

 

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Part 2: How to Decrease Stress when you’re going Through Divorce

April 22, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce | Permalink

closet

When I was a little girl and let my dad know that I wasn’t feeling well, he’d ask how I was feeling.  If I couldn’t give him anything more than an “I don’t know” he’d pass on some advice he got from his mom.  “Go take a shower.  You’ll feel better.”  And you know what?  I did!

Over the years, I’ve learned that a shower is a great start, but I’ve realized that it takes more than that to really feel good about myself and decrease my stress.  I’ve shared my philosophy with my clients and they report that they feel more relaxed and better about themselves too.

So you’re probably wondering what exactly my philosophy is… Yes, it does start with following my grandmother’s advice to shower every day, but it goes much further than that.

How you look plays a big part in how you feel!  At the risk of sounding like Stacy and Clinton on TLC’s What Not to Wear, taking care of your appearance really does impact how you feel.  In addition to helping you feel more confident, you’ll feel calmer too.

You’ll feel best when you’ve got the whole package – clothes that are flattering, fit you well and that you feel great in, a haircut that is flattering and easy for you to style, flattering and current makeup, along with flattering and current facial hair for the guys.

Believe me, it’s worth spending a little time and a little money to update your look when you’re going through divorce.  In fact, after my divorce was final, I actually invested in working with an image consultant.  She really opened my eyes to the way I was undermining myself with my wardrobe, hairstyle and makeup.  It was after I felt confident about how I looked that I was confident and calm enough to begin dating.  My clients who have examined and adjusted their appearance after their divorce was final have also had a lot more confidence to date too.

I know that you might have read all of this and thought it seems pretty superficial, but you’ll never know the profound change feeling confident in your appearance can make until you try it.  No one I’ve worked with who has made an effort to take care of their appearance has felt it was a waste.  Everyone who’s made the effort has felt more calm and confident.  I’ll bet you will too!

 

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Take all the clothes that are stained, torn or don’t fit you anymore out of your closet.  Removing the things that need to be either thrown out, given away or put in a bag to be worn only when you’re painting will remove the temptation to put them on.

Take all the shoes, belts, bags, and other accessories that are worn out, don’t fit or are out of style out of your closet.  If the item has more life in it, give it away.  If not, throw it out or stuff it in the bag with your other painting things.

Once you’ve removed the things that aren’t working for you from your closet, you’ll be left with only the things that work for you which (along with that shower my grandma suggested) should leave you feeling calmer and more confident every morning.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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Part 1: How to Decrease Stress when you’re going Through Divorce

April 15, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce | Permalink

As anyone who’s been through divorce knows, it’s an incredibly stressful time.  If the only stresses you had to worry about were due to divorce that would be one thing, but the real problem is that the rest of your life doesn’t stop just because you’re getting divorced.  All of your usual day-to-day stressors (work, traffic, kids’ schedules, other family demands, and the news) somehow become even larger when you’re dealing with the big D.

In this first of three articles on minimizing stress when you’re dealing with divorce, we’ll be focusing on renewing your energy.

When’s the last time you thought about where your energy comes from?  It wouldn’t surprise me if you’d never thought of it before.  After all, it’s something that most of us take for granted.  We assume we’ll have the energy to get through our day each and every day.  We just accept that some days it’s easier to get through the day than others.

The thing is, when you’re going through divorce on top of everything else it can be more difficult than usual to get through your day.  When I started consistently having trouble having enough energy to get through my day while I was going through my divorce 10 years ago, I got interested in how I could boost my energy and that led me to wondering where my energy came from.

What I learned was that our energy comes from our psychology and our physiology.   Yup, it comes from a combination of how you think and how your body responds (which ultimately means how you treat your body).  It’s just as simple and as hard as that.

Luckily, the concept is pretty easy to understand.  The more positive and calm your thoughts and the more healthy your body is the better you’ll be able to deal with stress.  Unfortunately, the concept can be pretty difficult to implement if you’ve not paid much attention to your thoughts or your general health prior to divorce becoming a reality in your life.  To help you out, I’ve got five quick tips that can give you a head start to renewing your energy even in the midst of divorce.

1.  Start your day with a positive thought.  Lots of people get out of bed dreading the day, but if you can start your day with a positive thought it will go a long way toward lessening the stress you have all day long.

Ten years ago, I was one of those people.  I felt like I was on a treadmill of needing to meet one responsibility after another with a few catastrophes thrown in for variety.  Learning to wake up with a positive thought (or two) really made a difference for me.  It helped me get past the plague of depressive thoughts about being divorced and on to better things.

2.  Schedule at least one break for yourself every day where you have ZERO responsibilities and ZERO interruptions.  The break can even be as short as 5 minutes.  The important thing is that you take it.

Ten years ago, I didn’t know what it was to have a real break.  I spent almost every waking moment either working or worrying – neither of which was very helpful to renewing my energy.  Learning to take a real break was hard for me, but by constantly trying out different things I realized that by allowing myself to have a time and space where I had zero responsibilities or interruptions that I felt tons better.  I had more energy to go back to working (and worrying).

3.  End your day with gratitude.  Allowing yourself to appreciate the good that happened during the day goes a long way toward allowing you to have restorative sleep at night.

When I was going through my divorce, I used to have terrible nightmares.  I’d dream about the worst case scenarios of all the things I had gone to sleep worrying about.  As a result of the nightmares, I got very little sleep which just made life that much harder the next day.  When I learned to change my thoughts at night from the worry to something more positive, the frequency of my nightmares decreased dramatically and I slept better.  Of course when I got better sleep, I felt more energetic the next day.

4.  Eat well and regularly.  I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “you are what you eat” before.  There’s definitely some truth to that phrase, but when you’re going through divorce it’s even more powerfully truthful.  Most people change the way they eat when they’re feeling stressed.  They’ll over eat or eat “junk food” to soothe themselves or they’ll “forget” to eat in an attempt to gain some control.  Either path leads to decreased energy.  They’re either fueling their bodies with junk or not fueling their bodies at all.

I went the control route when I was dealing with the big D.  I severely curtailed my eating and tried to live on next to nothing.  I became anorexic and let me tell you that starving yourself is not the way to increase your energy!  I felt exhausted and anxious most of the time.  Luckily, I had a trainer who literally got in my face about being anorexic and got me to start eating healthfully again.  It made a HUGE difference in my energy level and my mood.  I actually started to feel happy again.

5.  Get some exercise daily.  When you’re going through divorce, it’s really easy to believe you don’t have time for exercise because there are just so many other things needing your attention.  Exercise doesn’t have to mean a trip to the gym or the yoga studio, it can be as simple as taking a walk around the block, playing Frisbee with your kids and dog or even doing 5 jumping jacks.  Exercise is anything that gets your body moving in a way you don’t usually do. The wonderful thing is that the novelty of the movement will energize you.

I was a glutton for punishment 10 years ago.  I took everything to the extreme and would work out daily.   What I learned from that was exercise doesn’t have to be work.   It can be fun.  The point of getting some exercise daily is just to move your body and change your thoughts.  The wonderful thing I discovered about changing my thoughts was that I felt better and more energetic!

These 5 tips for renewing your energy are simple.  Hopefully, they’re simple enough that you’re ready to try one or more of them out for yourself.  I know you’ll start to notice improved energy levels and less stress once you implement at least one of these tips daily regardless of where you are in your divorce process.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Eating well and regularly is a challenge my clients always face, so Your Functional Divorce Assignment will focus on this tip. 

Take the following quiz to get an idea of how you might eat well and regularly.

Select one answer for each question.

1.  On average, every day I have ________ servings of caffeine (energy drinks, coffee, sodas, tea).

A.  More than 5

B.  2 – 5

C.  Less than 2

2.  I eat some protein with every meal or snack.

A.  Rarely

B.   Sometimes

C.  Usually

3.  I eat _____ meals each day.

A.  0

B.   1

C.  2-3

4.  I drink _______ glasses of water each day.

A.  0-2

B.   3-7

C.  8 or more

Ideally, C is the better answer for each of the questions.  If you’ve answered A for any of these questions you might want to consider changing things so that you can answer B instead and I’ll bet that you just might feel a bit more energetic when you do.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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3 Steps to Spring Clean Your Relationships

April 8, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Social Divorce | Permalink

spring cleaning

One of the tasks on nearly everyone’s to-do list this time of year is spring cleaning.  After having our homes closed up for the winter, it’s nice to open up the windows and make our homes spick-and-span.  I guess it goes along with spring in general since it’s when nature is new and fresh again.

As I was thinking about my own spring cleaning, I started to wonder about the possibility of spring cleaning our relationships.  (Yes, technically I guess this thought process counts as procrastinating, but I’ll leave that discussion, the bucket of cleaning supplies, and the toilet for another time.)

I realized that relationships, just like our homes, need to be refreshed, cleaned up and have all the junk removed from them periodically.

There is plenty of advice on the web for what you need to do to thoroughly spring clean your home, but I’ll bet this will be your first list of what to do to spring clean your relationships!

1.  Get rid of the junk – lots of people have relationships in which they can’t be themselves; they’re always acting and pretending to be what the other person wants.  These types of relationships are junk because you’re not able to be authentically you and they’re very draining.

Now when I say get rid of the junk relationships, I don’t necessarily mean get rid of the relationship itself.  What I mean is that the way the relationship currently exists needs to change.  It needs to change in a way that allows you to be completely yourself and allows the other person to be completely themselves too.

2.  Air things out – at some time or another, we’ve all chosen to keep quiet and stew over something that’s happened in a relationship.  I know it was probably the best answer at the time we made it, but it’s not the best answer in the long term.  The reason is that these things can cause resentment and undermine a relationship.

Taking great care of relationships means that it’s important we take the time to clear the air by addressing what needs to be addressed and/or forgiving what needs to be forgiven so we can breathe easier within each of our relationships.

3.  Clean all the surfaces – our best relationships are multi-faceted.  They support us in all kinds of ways.  We share our lives with each other – the joys, sadnesses, fears and triumphs.  We give each other room to dream about how we want our lives to be and we help each other accomplish our dreams.  We also have fun together – lots of fun!

It’s worth the time to think about each relationship and figure out how each facet within it is working.  Are both people feeling supported and sharing the important stuff along with the superficial?  When’s the last time you just had some fun together?

Although this list only has 3 items on it, completing these tasks will definitely require some work.  But let me assure you that the work is DEFINITELY worth it because, as my husband likes to regularly remind me, no one is an island and we all do better when our relationships are working.

Now that I’ve completed my thoughts on spring cleaning relationships, I guess it’s time to give my attention back to the bucket of cleaning supplies and the toilet.

Your Friendly Coaching Assignment:

Pick out a relationship you’d like to spruce up for spring.  Each of our relationships can use a periodic renewal.  Pick the one you’d like to focus on improving.

Start with the junk. What are the ways you’re not being 100% you in the relationship you want to spruce up?  Are you suspicious that the other person isn’t being 100% themselves?  If there is any lack of authenticity within the relationship, you’ll probably want to help each other to be 100% authentic or else decide the relationship is not going to be a deep one.

Open the windows of communication. Once you know the relationship is worth keeping and nurturing, you’ll want to be sure and air out what needs to be aired.  Letting go of past grievances either by talking about them and/or by forgiving them will definitely breathe new life into any relationship.

Get out your white glove and check all the surfaces.  Since every relationship is multi-faceted, taking some time to make sure every surface of your relationship is working for both of you is vital to growing and improving it.

Repeat as necessary and enjoy the rest of the year with your renewed relationships.  

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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How to Calm Your FEARs

March 17, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce | Permalink

FEARs

When I got divorced, FEAR was my constant companion.  I was afraid of almost everything and I spent a lot of time imagining catastrophes that could happen to me.  Some of the catastrophes I vividly pictured were being trapped in my home by a tornado (that was the happy version – the worst version was just being obliterated by a tornado), being poisoned by the food I had bought at the grocery store, being killed in a car accident, and even losing my job which would cause me to never work again and having to live on the street where I would die a painful death.

Luckily, none of my catastrophes have come to pass, but I wasted a HUGE amount of energy and time living with the fear of them.  And yet, being afraid is a common part of going through divorce.  There are so many changes happening all at once that can seem to threaten survival if your FEARs take hold of you like mine did.

Could I have worked my way through my divorce without wasting so much energy and time on being afraid?  YES!  But I didn’t know how then.  I know how now and that’s what I want to share with you – exactly how to calm your FEARs.

You can look at the word fear as an acronym – FEAR – which stands for False Expectations Appearing Real.  Each one of the catastrophic fears that I had were actually FEARs.  They were just expectations that I made come terrifyingly alive for me even though they were not real events.

The first thing to remember about FEARs are that they are based on a loss of trust.  When you have False Expectations Appearing Real you’ve lost trust in something.

When I was afraid of being obliterated by a tornado, I had lost my trust in being able to take the necessary precautions in a tornado warning.  When I was afraid of being poisoned by the food I bought at the grocery store, I had lost my trust in the food production, safety and distribution organizations. When I was afraid of being killed in a car accident, I had lost my trust in my ability to drive defensively and my trust in the fact that most other drivers are going to follow the rules of the road.  When I was afraid of losing my job, I had lost trust in my ability to perform at work even though I was still doing so.  When I was afraid that I would never work again, I had lost my trust in myself.  When I was afraid of living on the street, not only had I lost trust in myself, but I had lost trust in my friends and family too.

Now, losing trust is a normal part of going through divorce.  It makes sense to have a questioning about trust with respect to relationships when you’re going through divorce.  However, generalizing the loss of trust about relationships to other things is where FEARs start. So as easy as it can be to question your trust of other things in your life when you go through divorce, actually losing trust can lead to creating catastrophes where there are none.  And this is exactly what I did when I went through my divorce.

The second thing to remember is that what you’re FEARing is probably not happening now.  In fact, that’s the best way to start calming a FEAR.  Just ask yourself if what you’re FEARing is true right now.  Is it happening right now?  Usually, it isn’t.  Usually, your mind is just going down the path of creating a wildly vivid movie of your FEAR.  But, the moment you’re able to push the pause button on the movie you’ve been creating by acknowledging that it’s not happening right now, you’ve just started calming your FEAR.  Your FEARs will calm because you’ve changed your focus, if only for a moment, to the fact that it’s not happening right now.

The third thing is to help your thoughts change the channel from the FEAR movie as soon as you pause it.  There are millions of other thoughts you can have instead of becoming engrossed in the movies of your FEARs.  The easiest way to change the channel is to become engrossed in something else.  For some people exercising works great.  But if it’s the middle of the night when your FEAR movie-fest starts, it’s not too practical to start exercising.  What I think works even better at any time of the day or night is to write down what your FEAR is and then write down as many things as you can think of to prevent that FEAR from becoming real.  Another thing that can help any time of the day or night is to ask yourself what is happening now.  What are the sounds you’re hearing, the things you can see, what are you touching, etc.  Just by bringing yourself as fully into the reality of your surroundings as possible can help to quell the FEARs and change that channel.

Fears are a normal part of healing from divorce.  The thing is that sometimes they can get out of hand and become FEARs (False Expectations Appearing Real).  By having a plan in place that can help you change the channel when your FEARs start playing in your mind, you’ll be able to calm them quickly.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

What are you FEARing?  People FEAR all kinds of things when they get divorced.  Maybe you FEAR being alone for the rest of your life.  Maybe you FEAR not being able to find a job when you return to the workforce.  Maybe, you’re like me and you FEAR eating the food you bought at the grocery store.  Whatever it is that you FEAR, acknowledge it.  By acknowledging your FEARs, you’ll have more control over them instead of being ruled by them.

Now that you know what they are, prepare for you FEARs to show up. Understanding that your FEARs might show up again even after you’ve identified them will put you well on your way to calming them.  They’ll become a movie you’ve seen a hundred times where you can recite every line of the dialog by heart.  You’ll just need to remember to ask yourself, “Is what I FEAR happening now?” as soon as the FEAR movie starts to play again so you can pause it for just a moment.

When the movie is paused, pick one of the three options to change the channel. If your FEAR movie starts playing at a time when you can exercise, you might want to do that.  If your FEAR movie starts to play at a time when it’s not possible to exercise, you can either write down your FEAR and as many things as you can think of to prevent it from coming true or you can start becoming firmly engrossed in your surroundings.

Whatever you choose to do to change the channel when your FEAR movie starts will be a HUGE boon to you calming your FEARs and being able to move on with your life after divorce.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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How a Small Shift Made a World of Difference

February 18, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce, Uncategorized | Permalink

shopping cart

As I was driving home from a networking event a couple of weeks ago, the low-gas light came on in my car.  I was so tired from all the activities of the day that I decided to wait until the next morning to fill my car up.

The next morning, I headed over to the gas station at Walmart.  As I got closer to the store, I debated with myself about whether I wanted to cut through the parking lot or wait through an extra light to get to the pumps.  If I went through the parking lot, I ran the risk of needing to wait for people crossing the road and other cars jockeying for the best parking spot.  If I waited for the light, I was stuck making 2 left-hand turns at lights.  I really don’t like having to wait for the lights to make the turns, so I chose to cut through the parking lot.

As I neared the entrance to Walmart, there was this older guy pushing his cart down the middle of the road.  My first thought was, “Figures!  I knew something like this would happen.”  Then I changed my mind and realized that in a few more years, that might be me struggling to maintain my dignity and do my own shopping even though it was hard for me to walk and wanting to minimize the walking I had to do even if it meant walking in the middle of the street to get to my car.  That thought immediately changed how I was feeling.  Instead of being frustrated and impatient, I relaxed and patiently waited for the man to get across the street.

After he moved out of the middle of the road, I continued on my way and filled my car up with gas.  I had a few things I wanted to pick up at Walmart, so I drove back through the parking lot in search for my own spot.

As I was slowly making my way up and down the aisles, I thought I spotted the same older guy walking back up to the store.  No, it couldn’t be, I reasoned.  It must just be another old man that reminded me of the first.  I found a great parking spot and walked into the store to buy a couple of things.

As I was walking out of the store I noticed an old guy sitting on one of those motorized carts with his head in his hands.  I almost got all the way out the doors before I realized that it was the same guy I kept seeing!  I walked up to him and asked, “Didn’t I see you walk out of the store earlier?”  He told me yes and that he was having a hard time finding his car.  I asked him what kind of car he was driving and he told me a dark blue Kia.  So I started out of the store on a mission to find his car for him.

I got just outside and I realized that I would never spot his car and that I should ask him if he was comfortable with me driving him around the parking lot looking for his car.  He about jumped out of the motorized cart he was so happy to have me help him like that.  We gathered up his bags and started out to my car.

I could tell he was really pushing himself to walk quickly, but I kept a slow pace and just chatted with him about where I had parked and hoping to give him the idea that I had plenty of time and I was parked close enough that he wouldn’t have to walk too far.

And then, just as we reached the parking aisle, he looked over to the right and said, “Is that my car?”  Sure enough, he found his car right away – before we had even reached mine.

As I was helping him get his bags into his car, he admitted that he wasn’t supposed to be out walking without his walker and that he was so thankful to be back to his car.

Now it was a little thing for me to notice that an old man was walking down the middle of the street in a parking lot.  It was another little thing for me to notice an old man walking back into Walmart.  And it was yet another little thing for me to notice a tired old man sitting in a motorized shopping cart.  But it was a big thing to that man.

Little things are like that.  Individually, they’re itty-bitty things, but added together, they can make a world of difference.  I’m not just talking about how little things can add up for helping someone else, but even for us.  In fact, this idea of itty-bitty things added together is a major philosophy behind the work I do.  For anyone going through divorce, making little changes in perception and then taking action can create a world of difference.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

What little things have you chosen not to notice that might make a big difference in your life?  Just like my noticing the old man walking back and forth through the Walmart parking lot, what might you need to notice about you or your kids as you’re transitioning from married to single?

Now that you’ve noticed something you might have overlooked before what do you need to do to make a difference?  The thing you choose to do might be something small, but sometimes something small is all it takes to make a world of difference.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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I’m NOT in 1st Grade Any More. I’m NOT Exactly Married Any More. Why Should I Send a Valentine?

February 11, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce | Permalink

valentine

When was the last time you read Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s sonnet “How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways…”?  I can’t tell you the last time I read it, but when I started thinking about what to write about with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, the first line of this work came to mind.  I’ve quoted the entire sonnet for you below.

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways…

By Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways.

I love the to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and Ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday’s

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with a passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints, — I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life! — and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

It’s an amazing read, isn’t it?  And for many people dealing with divorce, it’s a painful read too.

So often we marry with the belief that our love is the ideal kind that Elizabeth Barrett Browning writes about.  And divorce “proves” to us that our marriage must not have been based on love at all – at least that’s the conclusion I jumped to when I got divorced.  It’s also a conclusion I’ve heard many of my clients jump to as well.

What I’ve learned over the years since my divorce is that my marriage was based on love to begin with, but that my marriage didn’t continue to grow in love and that’s why it ended in divorce.

Most people do marry for love.  Odds are you and your former spouse did too.

So then why is reading this sonnet so painful to so many people going through divorce?  I believe it’s because we forget what love is and assume that because we’re divorced or divorcing that we must not know what it is.

I believe that love is something that extends beyond the romantic type that is most often associated with Valentine’s Day.  We’re surrounded by love every day.  If instead of getting caught up in the chaos and confusion of divorce along with the daily grind of making a living and meeting our responsibilities we could focus for just a few minutes on the beauty all around we would experience love.  Or maybe you can focus on yourself for just a few minutes, be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to breathe slowly and deeply, you’ll experience love.  Or maybe seeing the joy in your child’s face when they see you will remind you of the love you’re blessed with despite divorce.

I think that the key to experiencing love (I’m not talking about the romantic kind here) is being able to freely give it.  But you know, I can get so caught up in daily living that I often forget to express the love I have for my friends and family.  I know I’m not the only one who forgets.  I know that sometimes it can be difficult to express love when you’re struggling with the repercussions of divorce, but I also know it’s vital to making it through divorce and moving on with your life.  That’s why believe you can use this Valentine’s Day as a gentle reminder that we each have the opportunity to tell the people (and animals) we love how much we truly do love them.  And the best part is that you’ll usually hear how much you’re loved in return.

Who will you say “I love you” to this Valentine’s Day?

Your Friendly Coaching Assignment:

Seriously, who is on your list of needing to get a Valentine from you?  Yeah, it’s different than when we were in first grade and gave one to everyone in our class.  It’s also different from when you were married and knew who you had to get a Valentine for.  These days, you get to make your own list of those folks you love.

A Valentine isn’t necessarily a card.  A Valentine can be a quick email saying “hi, I’m thinking about you”, a call, a text, a bouquet of roses, a conversation, a hug, a special event or, yes, even a card.  It’s not so important how you tell someone you love them as it is that you simply tell them.

Have fun.  I sure hope you have fun letting your friends and family know you love them.  To me, that’s the beauty of Valentine’s Day – a whole day set aside to let others know you enjoy your relationship with them.

 

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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All Tangled Up?

January 27, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce | Permalink

Have you ever felt all tangled up on the inside and didn’t know which direction to turn?

Or maybe you’ve felt that you’re stuck in quicksand and it’s taking all your effort to just make it through each day?

Or worse, you’ve felt that you’re wearing a choke-chain of all your responsibilities and don’t really know who you are anymore?

Don’t worry.  I’ve been there.  In fact, everyone I know who has been through divorce has been there before too.  Overwhelm can be hard to overcome and yet it’s a common part of divorce.  Knowing how to get through it or stop it all together is a critical skill to develop.  What I’m going to share with you today are some of the techniques I regularly use with myself, my family and my clients when things start to feel overwhelming.

1.       Change your story.

When I was finding my way through the aftermath of my divorce, I used to tell myself really scary stories.  They were stories of doom and I told them over and over again – like a broken recording.  I was feeling overwhelmed and the stories I told myself made things worse.  I didn’t see any way that I could ever stop the chaos I was living in.  I felt like I was performing and not really living.  I was really miserable!

But, things slowly changed when I started changing my internal story.  Instead of envisioning a life of doom and destruction, my stories became more about experiencing sadness and then more about being tired of the sadness and imagining what changes I could make.  And then, I started actually making changes – some really big changes.  I started living again instead of feeling like a prisoner of circumstances.

It can be the same for you.  Simply by changing the story you’re telling yourself, you can dramatically (even if it takes time like it did for me) change your life for the better and stop feeling overwhelmed.

2.       Take care of you first.

For those of us who have a tendency to get burned out, when we feel stressed about out divorce it can be especially easy to forget about taking care of ourselves and just focus on what needs to be done for others instead.  After all, they’re depending on us, right?

It’s easy for me to identify a new client who isn’t taking care of themselves because they have a difficult time answering questions like

  • Are you getting enough sleep?
  • Are you exercising?
  • Are you eating nutritious meals?

in the affirmative.  They’ll squirm a bit before answering or try to deflect the question with a joke or some explanation as to why they can’t sleep or exercise or eat well.

If you can’t honestly say you’re getting enough sleep, adequate exercise and eating well, you would probably benefit from taking better care of yourself.  Taking care of yourself isn’t an afterthought – something you do after you take care of the rest of your responsibilities.  Taking care of yourself is VITAL to you being able to take care of your responsibilities.  Without your physical well-being, you won’t be able to take care of anyone or anything else, so, please, make sure you’re putting you first and treating yourself well.

3.       See the lighter side and laugh.

Somehow, when things are really miserable and you’re just not sure how you’re going to deal with one more pressure, there comes a moment when you realize just how ridiculous everything is – all the pressure and stress suddenly become laughable.  I’ve found the best thing to do when I reach that point is to laugh.  I’m not talking about a simple tee-hee-hee or chuckle, I’m talking about a really deep from the gut laugh.

Laughter is a great cure for stress and overwhelm.  It causes you to loosen some muscles and tighten others.  It requires you to breathe differently and it gets some different hormones flowing through your body – the kinds that help you to feel better.

In working with my clients, I often incorporate really bad jokes to get some laughter going.  Laughing always lightens the mood and allows my clients to see things from a slightly different angle and break the strangle hold overwhelm had on them.

With overwhelm and stress being such common elements of our daily lives – not to mention divorce, these 3 simple ideas can be a great springboard for you to prevent yourself from succumbing to burn out.

Your Functional Divorce Coaching Assignment:

The next time you’re feeling stressed out, pick one of the 3 suggestions above and try it out.  After all what have you got to lose besides your stress?  I know that if you consistently take the necessary steps to help you deal with the stress of your divorce, you’ll be better able to manage it.

If you’d like more do-able ideas for decreasing the impact of stress on your life, give me a call at 817-993-0561 so we can schedule a Complimentary Consultation and together we’ll figure out a way for you to have less stress.

 

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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Just finished a great book – Raising the Kid You Love with the Ex You Hate

January 25, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce, Legal Divorce | Permalink

Raising the Kid

Edward Farber, PhD is releasing his new book Raising the Kid You Love with the Ex You Hate next week.  I was lucky enough to receive an Advance Reviewer’s Copy and I do mean lucky.

Ed’s book is full of fabulous advice about how to make the business of co-parenting work after the business of marriage has failed.  The basis of his advice about successful co-parenting hinges on these three principles:

  1. Your child needs both parents
  2. Reduce parental conflict after the separation
  3. Both parents make decisions

Parents who can agree to abide by these three principles will have a headstart in helping their children be happy, healthy adults.  To be implemented well, each parent needs to be consistently focused on them and communicate regularly with their ex to make sure they’re on the same page.  Continuing to interact with your ex after divorce may not be something you look forward to, but, as Dr Farber points out, it’s necessary to being able to raise the kid you love.

I really appreciated reading this no non-sense approach to making co-parenting work along with the real-life stories from Ed’s practice, but probably the best part of this book is the fact that he shares ideas for non-ideal co-parenting situations.  He offers suggestions for dealing with an ex who is more interested in revenge than in successfully co-parenting, for how the co-parenting arrangement will naturally need to change as your kid grows older, for dealing with an ex who has emotional, psychological or addictive disorders, and even for dealing with kids who may be embellishing the truth to get into your good graces.

This book is an ideal resource for parents who are divorced or divorcing and committed to continuing to be great parents.

You can check out the book at Raising the Kid You Love with the Ex You Hate.

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Have a Great Online Dating Experience

January 21, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce, Social Divorce, Uncategorized | Permalink

Dating

Dating after divorce can be confusing. After all, it’s probably been a while since you last dated and things have CHANGED since then.

One of the biggest changes in dating over the last 10-15 years is the number of people who use online dating services. Did you know there are even websites dedicated to letting you know who the top online dating services are? These services are a BIG business and it’s OK to use them.  When my clients decide to start dating, most of them use an online dating service or two. Heck I even used one to meet my 2nd (and current) husband.

Online dating, just like any other kind of dating, is terrific IF you’re aware of these three pitfalls.

The first pitfall is lack of safety. I’ve heard stories from both men and women about some positively scary situations they found themselves in when they met a date. Here are some key things you can do to be a bit safer when you date online:

When you’re using an online dating service, be careful of your identity. Don’t use your full name on your profile that’s open to the public.

Ask the other person for their number, don’t freely give yours away. It’s OK to block your number and make your first call(s) anonymously.

For heaven’s sake, DON’T give someone you’ve never met your address to come pick you up. When you’re ready to meet someone, arrange to meet them someplace public. Park someplace where there are lots of others coming and going. It’s also a good idea to let someone know someone know where you are going to be meeting your date and have them call if they haven’t heard from you in a couple of hours.

The second pitfall is looking for a spouse instead of learning to date. One of the most common things I see people do when they’re starting to date again is to focus on finding a spouse instead of focusing on dating. There’s a big difference between the two!

When you focus on finding a spouse, going out becomes a lot more serious, a lot more intense. You might even start to worry about how many dates you go on before you decide if you want to be serious with this person. Sometimes you don’t go out with more than one person at a time because you want to make sure you give the current person the benefit of the doubt.

When you’re focused on dating, the whole thing is a bit more casual.  There’s less stress and pressure to impress and more emphasis on figuring out whether or not you’re enjoying yourself.  Focusing on dating is a great way to learn what you do and don’t like about others and yourself when you’re around them.  This knowledge will allow you to move on when it’s right for you.  One important point here is that you need to be up-front with the people you’re dating to let them know where you’re coming from and so they don’t get the wrong idea about your intentions.

The third pitfall is thinking you must respond and/or date everyone who contacts you. You have no responsibility to the people who reach out to you. You don’t have to respond to everyone and you definitely don’t have to go out with all of them either. You deserve to be picky about who you spend your time on and with. Your time and how you spend it is how you create your life, so be picky about whom you spend time with!

I want you to think of dating as cultivating friends and learning about yourself. Most people aren’t ready to get into another serious relationship right after they get divorced. They need some time to rediscover themselves and figure out what they do and don’t like about other people. That means going out with other people to have fun.

Dating is supposed to be fun and using the online services can be a great way to meet some amazing people. Just be sure to avoid the pitfalls!

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Do some research. There really are a lot of sites out there to help you meet people to date. Each site has its own personality. Check out a few and decide which site or sites best fit you.

Be open to learning about yourself. The dating experience should be fun and put you and your date in new situations that will allow you both to learn about yourselves and each other. Successful dating requires that you be ready to learn stuff about yourself without the expectation that you or your date be perfect.

Are you ready to date? OK, this probably should have been the first step of the assignment, but I saved it to last so you’d be sure to see it. There’s no rule about when you’re ready to date, but generally you want to be through the worst of the emotional part of your divorce. If you’re curious to know where you are on the continuum of being through with the emotional part of your divorce you need to check out the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale (FDAS) at www.functionaldivorce.com/fdas.html

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