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Quotables

Divorce is the result of a betrayal of a trust.  A trust we place in another to love, support and care about us.  It’s also a trust we encourage our partner to place in us – to trust us to love them, to support them and to care about them.  Trust of this magnitude is amazing when you really think about it.  It’s an wondrous thing when two people decide to blend their lives and live together in partnership.  And when a trust like that is broken, it can be a terrible, ugly thing which causes many people to not want to trust anyone else for any reason.

“When you trust someone to be who you want them to be instead of whom they are, you get hurt.”

Karen Finn

I know it was true in my case, and I suspect it is true in yours also.  When I got divorced I realized I had trusted my ex-husband to be someone I wanted him to be instead of who he was.  Because he didn’t meet my expectations I got hurt.  I got hurt a lot because I had deceived myself for years by expecting him to be who I trusted him to be and not who he was.

“…if you don’t feel like you can trust anybody to talk to anybody, you feel like you’re really alone.”

Fiona Apple

With all my mis-spent trust in my marriage, I wasn’t sure if I could trust anyone as I started on my divorce journey.  I was suspicious of just about everyone and as a result, I felt really lonely.  And the more lonely I felt, the more depressed and fearful I became.

“You must trust and believe in people or life becomes impossible.”

Anton Chekhov

One of the things I did as I was building my trust in myself again was I reached out and asked for help.  When I moved into a new home during the course of my divorce, the previous owner mentioned that the neighbors across the street wanted to meet me when I was ready.

“We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxiacally, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.

Frank Crane

One day, shortly after I was mostly settled in my new home, I screwed up my courage and walked across the street to meet the neighbors.  It was scary walking across the street.  But I did it.  And you know, the rewards have been immeasurable.

The family who lived there was generous and kind and recognized how scared I was to be facing my new life on my own.  They turned out to be my family away from my family.  I felt loved and cared for in a way that I hadn’t since I lived at home as a kid.  (I’ve lived across the country from my family since I was 18 years old)

“Do not trust all men, but trust men of worth; the former course is silly, the latter a mark of prudence.”

Democritus

Screwing up my courage and walking across the street that spring morning was a real turning point for me in my divorce journey.  It was the first time in a long time that I had trusted myself to be able to discern if it was OK for me to trust someone.

That’s exactly what I want for you.  I want you to know that it’s OK to trust yourself, that it’s OK to trust yourself to meet new people and that you’ll know if they’re worthy of your trust.  And if they are worthy of your trust you just might find another family to support and love you like I did.

Divorce for most of us is scary and learning to trust yourself so you can trust others can take some time, but when you start down that road of trust the rewards of joy and love can be yours again.

 

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Reread the 5 quotes in today’s article.  I used the quotes to tell a story of how I learned to trust again as I was going through my divorce.  How do these quotes apply to you?

What actions do these quotes inspire you to take?  You might need to screw up your courage like I did before you take action.  Or, the action you choose to take might come easily to you.  Whatever you’re inspired to do to test your ability to trust, trust yourself enough to know when the right time is to do it.

Do it and evaluate the results.  The thing about any new experience is that you need to evaluate the results.  Check in with yourself after you take action and see how you feel about it.  You may be pleased and feel empowered to trust more.  You may be displeased and choose to choose differently next time.  You might feel something in between these two extremes.  The key here is to be truthful with yourself and adjust so you can continue to build your trust in yourself and in others.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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Office

I enjoy watching Project Runway because of the amazing outfits the contestants make.  This season there was one designer, Patricia, who was the stereotypical creative genius.  Her creativity was AMAZING and her workspace was a total disaster.  In fact, the state of her space made others on the show concerned!

Patricia’s workspace and the response others had to it made me laugh with a touch of embarrassment because, like Patricia, when I start working on a project, I’m not neat.  I have things strewn all over the place which really wouldn’t be bad except for the fact that I’m on to the next project before I’ve cleaned up the debris from the first one.  After a few projects, my office looks like the Tasmanian devil from the Bugs Bunny cartoons has paid a visit.  I tell myself that what matters is getting the next project done, but what I’ve FINALLY realized is that the general disaster area that I let my workspace become really impacts not only my ability to work, but how comfortable people (including me) feel coming into my office!

So 3 weeks ago, I had the help of an amazing professional organizer, Ashley Easley of MasterPeace Solutions.  She helped me fine-tune what I was doing into a really workable process that easily allows me to be creative with my projects and keep things nicely organized.  Now I feel good and energized being in my office.  I’ve also noticed that everyone else is less reluctant to enter now too.

And here’s how this all matters to you.  Even in the best of times, your environment plays a big part in how you feel.  When you’re going through divorce, you’re even more sensitive to your environment.

A lot of the stress of divorce comes from a sense of not being in control of the situations you find yourself in.  Having your surroundings unorganized adds to the general sense of chaos and loss of control.  So, one way many people find to decrease the stress they feel during divorce is to organize and clean.  Then there are others (and, yes, I fell into this category) who just look at the disorganization as being too much to deal with and then don’t do anything.

Just in case you’re like me, I’m going to share with you Ashley’s 5 C’s of Organizing.  I know that if I had had these 5 C’s back then, the plan would have given me hope that I could indeed help my stress by organizing my surroundings OR that there were professionals available to help me.

  1. CategorizeSort like items together.  When Ashley was helping me with my office we had a bunch of papers on my desk that needed to be dealt with.  She helped me divide everything into piles on the floor of “to be filed”, “recycle”, “shred”, “needs more work”, and “goes in another place”.
  2. Consolidate – Once we had the piles created (or really anytime the piles got too big for me to look at) I shredded what needed to be shredded and deposited the things from the recycle pile into the recycle bin in the garage.
  3. Create – Once we had a handle on what needed to stay in my office and what needed to leave, we were able to figure out where everything needed to go and create space for it.
  4. Contain – What I needed to help me get my office under control was file folders and letter boxes.  By creating specific spots to put all the papers that I deal with as part of my work, it’s been TONS easier to find what I need when I need it and to put things away when I’m done with them.
  5. Continue – This is where I was really concerned, would I be able to continue keeping things in their proper places and getting rid of the things I didn’t need any more?  Well, I’m not batting 1000 yet, but I’m doing pretty great!  You can judge for yourself by taking a look at the before and after photos of my office.  (Yes, I took the after photo today.)

You can use this same technique to tackle one area of your home or office that is adding to the chaos of your divorce.  It might be a drawer, closet, desk, room or even your attic!  Today’s Your Functional Divorce Assignment will help you de-stress your environment.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Pick the one area you want to take control of.  I suggest starting small at first.  You’ve got a lot going on and being easy on yourself as you go through this process will make it more likely you’ll successfully finish it.

Schedule a block of time where you can focus on gaining control of the area.  If you have kids, you might want to choose a weekend when the kids are with their other parent.

Put Ashley’s 5C’s of Organization to work.  Having used the 5 C’s with Ashley, I can tell you, it’s pretty easy to follow when you have the discipline to do it and not get caught up in “rediscovering” what you’ve unearthed.  I was thankful to have Ashley around to help me focus on completing the job.  And, with the focus she provided, we made amazing progress in our time together!

Ask for help if you need it.  It’s truly OK to ask for help to keep you focused on gaining control of the area you’ve picked.  You might want to call a friend to support you, call your coach to keep you accountable, or hire a professional organizer like Ashley!

Enjoy.  Yes, the last step is to enjoy the fruits of your labor and the greater sense of peace from having a little less chaos in your life.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

 

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www.copyright-free-photos.org.uk

As I’ve mentioned before, I do a lot of reading and I’ll often be reading several books at the same time.  I’ll pick up whichever one fits my mood when I have a few moments to read.

One of the books I’ve got open these days is The Seven Wonders That Will Change Your Life by Glenn Beck and Keith Ablow, M.D.  I found one particular passage interesting because it reminded me about perspective and how my life has changed since I got divorced.  The passage is actually a quote from Robert Pirsig’s book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance which I read about a year after my divorce was final.  Here’s the passage:

The trap consists of a hollowed-out coconut chained to a stake.  The coconut has some rice inside which can be grabbed through a small hole.  The hole is big enough so that the monkey’s hand can go in, but too small for his fist with rice in it to come out.  The monkey reaches in and is suddenly trapped – by nothing more than his own value rigidity.  He can’t revalue the rice.  He cannot see that freedom without rice is more valuable than capture with it.  The villagers are coming to get him and take him away.  They’re coming closer…closer!…now!…

There is a fact this monkey should know:  if he opens his hand he’s free.  But how is he going to discover this fact?  Be removing the value rigidity that rates rice above freedom.  How is he going to do that?  Well, he should somehow try to slow down deliberately and go over ground that he has been over before and see if things he thought were important really were important and, well, stop yanking and just stare at the coconut for a while.  Before long he should get a nibble from a little fact wondering if he is interested in it.  He should try to understand this fact not so much in terms of his big problem as for its own sake.  That problem may not be as big as he thinks it is.  That fact may not be as small as he thinks it is either.

When I got divorced, I felt like that trapped monkey – terrified and held captive by my fears about what I thought was important at the time.  What I thought was important back then was that my life after divorce needed to work pretty much exactly the same as it had before my divorce – except that I now had an ex-husband.  This was the fact whose nibbling I ignored.  I ignored the reality that one person cannot be as productive as two people working together.  I ignored that it would take me longer to do all of the household chores on my own instead of sharing them with someone else.  I ignored the fact that caring for 3 attention-loving pets on my own would be more of a challenge than it was when I was married.  I ignored these realities and expected that I could do it all with at least as high a quality as had been done pre-separation and divorce.

I kept ignoring all of these facts about my home life and kept expecting that I could and should do it all as had been done before.  I also kept expecting the same high-level of performance from myself at work, at the gym and at play.  I expected so much of myself that I virtually eliminated any time for myself – any down time to just relax.  I had built a very elaborate trap for myself – one that kept me frazzled and eventually led to burnout.

Today, more than 10 years later, I’m amazed by what an elaborate trap I had created for myself.

The thing is, I’m not the only person who got divorced and created a trap.  I regularly meet and work with divorced people who create their own elaborate captivities.

Back then, just like the people I meet and work with today, I simply wasn’t capable of identifying my captivity when I got divorced.  I thought it was just how my life was and that somehow I was defective because I couldn’t keep up with everything I thought I had to keep up with.  Today I know that wasn’t the case.  Today, I know that back then I wanted my rice (all my expectations of myself) and didn’t realize I was selling my freedom to have it.

Like most people dealing with divorce, I’ll bet that you are holding yourself captive unnecessarily too.  Check out Your Functional Divorce Assignment to help you identify and loosen the bonds of your trap.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

What trap are you in?  There are all kinds of traps people create for themselves when they get divorced.  Maybe your trap is similar to mine in that you expect your life to be pretty much the same.  Maybe your trap is a belief that you’re too old to ever find another significant other.  Maybe your trap is a belief that you have no employable skills and no way of getting any.  Or maybe your trap is something else all together.  It could be big or small, the size doesn’t matter.  What does matter is identifying how you are feeling captive.

What are the reasons you believe your trap exists?  Come up with every single reason your trap is real no matter how small or how big.  You might want to write them down so you can get them out of your head and make sure you’ve got them all covered.  Besides, having them all listed in one place will help you with the next step.

For each of the reasons, ask yourself “Is this reason 100% true?” and “What makes this reason true?”  I wish I had known how to ask myself these questions when I was recovering from my divorce.  What often happens when I compassionately ask my clients both questions is that they’ll start to get a nibble of a fact they had been ignoring.  That nibble will often lead to a new idea or a new perspective that allows their trap to be loosened – at least a little bit – which will often entirely change their trap if not eliminate it completely.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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FEARs

When I got divorced, FEAR was my constant companion.  I was afraid of almost everything and I spent a lot of time imagining catastrophes that could happen to me.  Some of the catastrophes I vividly pictured were being trapped in my home by a tornado (that was the happy version – the worst version was just being obliterated by a tornado), being poisoned by the food I had bought at the grocery store, being killed in a car accident, and even losing my job which would cause me to never work again and having to live on the street where I would die a painful death.

Luckily, none of my catastrophes have come to pass, but I wasted a HUGE amount of energy and time living with the fear of them.  And yet, being afraid is a common part of going through divorce.  There are so many changes happening all at once that can seem to threaten survival if your FEARs take hold of you like mine did.

Could I have worked my way through my divorce without wasting so much energy and time on being afraid?  YES!  But I didn’t know how then.  I know how now and that’s what I want to share with you – exactly how to calm your FEARs.

You can look at the word fear as an acronym – FEAR – which stands for False Expectations Appearing Real.  Each one of the catastrophic fears that I had were actually FEARs.  They were just expectations that I made come terrifyingly alive for me even though they were not real events.

The first thing to remember about FEARs are that they are based on a loss of trust.  When you have False Expectations Appearing Real you’ve lost trust in something.

When I was afraid of being obliterated by a tornado, I had lost my trust in being able to take the necessary precautions in a tornado warning.  When I was afraid of being poisoned by the food I bought at the grocery store, I had lost my trust in the food production, safety and distribution organizations. When I was afraid of being killed in a car accident, I had lost my trust in my ability to drive defensively and my trust in the fact that most other drivers are going to follow the rules of the road.  When I was afraid of losing my job, I had lost trust in my ability to perform at work even though I was still doing so.  When I was afraid that I would never work again, I had lost my trust in myself.  When I was afraid of living on the street, not only had I lost trust in myself, but I had lost trust in my friends and family too.

Now, losing trust is a normal part of going through divorce.  It makes sense to have a questioning about trust with respect to relationships when you’re going through divorce.  However, generalizing the loss of trust about relationships to other things is where FEARs start. So as easy as it can be to question your trust of other things in your life when you go through divorce, actually losing trust can lead to creating catastrophes where there are none.  And this is exactly what I did when I went through my divorce.

The second thing to remember is that what you’re FEARing is probably not happening now.  In fact, that’s the best way to start calming a FEAR.  Just ask yourself if what you’re FEARing is true right now.  Is it happening right now?  Usually, it isn’t.  Usually, your mind is just going down the path of creating a wildly vivid movie of your FEAR.  But, the moment you’re able to push the pause button on the movie you’ve been creating by acknowledging that it’s not happening right now, you’ve just started calming your FEAR.  Your FEARs will calm because you’ve changed your focus, if only for a moment, to the fact that it’s not happening right now.

The third thing is to help your thoughts change the channel from the FEAR movie as soon as you pause it.  There are millions of other thoughts you can have instead of becoming engrossed in the movies of your FEARs.  The easiest way to change the channel is to become engrossed in something else.  For some people exercising works great.  But if it’s the middle of the night when your FEAR movie-fest starts, it’s not too practical to start exercising.  What I think works even better at any time of the day or night is to write down what your FEAR is and then write down as many things as you can think of to prevent that FEAR from becoming real.  Another thing that can help any time of the day or night is to ask yourself what is happening now.  What are the sounds you’re hearing, the things you can see, what are you touching, etc.  Just by bringing yourself as fully into the reality of your surroundings as possible can help to quell the FEARs and change that channel.

Fears are a normal part of healing from divorce.  The thing is that sometimes they can get out of hand and become FEARs (False Expectations Appearing Real).  By having a plan in place that can help you change the channel when your FEARs start playing in your mind, you’ll be able to calm them quickly.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

What are you FEARing?  People FEAR all kinds of things when they get divorced.  Maybe you FEAR being alone for the rest of your life.  Maybe you FEAR not being able to find a job when you return to the workforce.  Maybe, you’re like me and you FEAR eating the food you bought at the grocery store.  Whatever it is that you FEAR, acknowledge it.  By acknowledging your FEARs, you’ll have more control over them instead of being ruled by them.

Now that you know what they are, prepare for you FEARs to show up. Understanding that your FEARs might show up again even after you’ve identified them will put you well on your way to calming them.  They’ll become a movie you’ve seen a hundred times where you can recite every line of the dialog by heart.  You’ll just need to remember to ask yourself, “Is what I FEAR happening now?” as soon as the FEAR movie starts to play again so you can pause it for just a moment.

When the movie is paused, pick one of the three options to change the channel. If your FEAR movie starts playing at a time when you can exercise, you might want to do that.  If your FEAR movie starts to play at a time when it’s not possible to exercise, you can either write down your FEAR and as many things as you can think of to prevent it from coming true or you can start becoming firmly engrossed in your surroundings.

Whatever you choose to do to change the channel when your FEAR movie starts will be a HUGE boon to you calming your FEARs and being able to move on with your life after divorce.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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paperwork

When you get divorced there are all kinds of paperwork and documentation you need to update, change, create and just be able to put your hands on at a moment’s notice.  It can feel overwhelming to have to deal with all of this on top of the emotional turmoil of divorce.

To help make things a bit easier on you, here’s a table with the most common documents you’ll want to make sure you’ve appropriately dealt as you complete your divorce.

Document Name

Purpose of Document*

Changes to Consider**

Social Security Card Personal identifier for individuals in the United States If part of your divorce decree included a change to your name, you’ll want to file that change with the Social Security Administration and receive a new Social Security Card.
Driver’s License Grants a person the right to legally drive.  It’s also commonly used as picture identification. If part of your divorce decree included a change to your name, you’ll want to file that change with your state’s Driver’s Licensing office and receive a new Driver’s License.
Property Titles (for real estate, motor vehicles, etc.) Used to identify ownership of property Transferred ownership and any name changes
Retirement Plans (e.g., 401K, IRA, pension plan, etc.) Monies that are set aside for an individual’s retirement and can be released to a beneficiary upon the death of the individual Make sure your beneficiaries are updated to reflect your new marital status.
Life Insurance Policy Provide for your family after your death, pay for your funeral costs Make sure your beneficiaries are updated to reflect your new marital status
Will & Trust Can identify the persons or entities that will receive your property when you die, for you to appoint a guardian for your minor children, appoint those you wish to manage your estate, revoke or alter a previous will Make sure your beneficiaries are updated to reflect your new marital status
W-4 Helps your employer to withhold the correct federal income tax from your pay Make sure to adjust your number of dependents to reflect your newly single status
Medical Treatment Authorization and Consent Form Used for those situations where minors are unaccompanied by either parents or legal guardians.  Because your children may be in different care situations than when you were married, you might want to make sure whomever is watching your children has the ability to help your children get appropriate medical care.
Medical Power of Attorney Designates a person that you trust to make health care decisions on your behalf should you be unable to make those decisions. You’ll probably want to make sure you update who this person is.
Directive to Physicians and Family or Surrogates Designed to help you communicate your wishes about medical treatment if you are no longer to make decisions due to illness or incapacity. You’ll probably want to make sure to update who this person is.
HIPPA Authorizations at each of your doctors Allows you to indicate who besides you may have access to your medical information. If you had originally filled out forms at a doctor’s office allowing information to be left with your spouse, you might want to change this.

 

*  The purposes identified in this table are just casual descriptions.  For legal descriptions, you’ll want to contact the appropriate authority.

**  The changes to consider are just suggestions.  You’ll want to work with the appropriate authority to verify which changes are appropriate for you.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Which of the documents above do you currently have?  For each of the documents listed in the table that you’ve already got, take the time to review and update them.

Which of the documents do you not have? For each of the documents that you do not have, look at the purpose of the document and determine whether or not you want to have it.  If you want to have the document, make an appointment with the appropriate professional to have the document created.

Where are your documents? There are some documents that you’ll want to keep handy.  You’ll want to make sure that the appropriate family members know where you documents are kept.  You’ll probably also want to make copies of the documents for yourself and family members in case getting to the originals may not be speedy enough.

There are other documents, like the HIPPA Authorizations at each of your doctor’s offices that they’ll keep the originals of and that you’ll just have copies of.  You’ll want to keep tabs on these as well in case you need to update the information on them in the future.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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colors

One of the most curious things that happened when I was going through my divorce was that I started to wear black almost all the time.  What was so curious about it was that I had always loved color, but for some reason I didn’t understand then, I was drawn to wearing all black for quite a while.  It was really different for me and many of my friends commented on my new wardrobe choices.

At the time, I didn’t think too much about it.  And after about 6 months, I started to wear more colorful clothing again.

A few years ago, while doing research about emotions and ways that environment affects our moods, I found there is a wealth of research on how colors affect our moods and vice versa.  I was really surprised by what I learned because it explained why I had been drawn to different colors while I was going through the worst of my divorce.

Here are some of the things I’d like to share with you about color and how it can affect or reflect feelings:

Black Many of us associate the color black with mourning and that was my first guess as to why I was drawn to it during the worst of my divorce.  Well, according to color therapy theory, black is also the color that gives us space for reflection and inner searching.  I have to tell you that I was doing a whole lot of thinking and trying to figure things out while going through my divorce and so this makes a lot of sense to me.
Blue Blue is the color of a beautiful Caribbean sea and the color of a sunny sky.  Like a sunny day spent lazing on the beach, blue is the color of relaxation.  Color theorists say that blue also promotes relaxation and healing.
Red Red is a VERY energizing color.  You probably remember from watching cartoons when you were a kid that when characters were angry their eyes became red.  You’ve probably also heard the phrase “seeing red” to indicate that someone is angry.  Red intensifies emotions, especially anger.
Yellow Yellow is an interesting color from a color theory point of view.  It is said to stimulate mental activity, promote feelings of self-confidence and increase alertness.  Who wouldn’t want a healthy dose of those feelings?
White White light contains all the colors.  If you need clarity in your thoughts, white may just be the color you need to see more of.

 

So does this color theory work?  Many believe it does.  I know that I enjoy being surrounded by colors and that some days I prefer one color over another.  I know that when I feel confident and calm, I do tend to wear blue.  When I’m feeling vibrant, I tend to choose red.  And when I need things to be more organized and clean, I tend to choose white.

What color are you wearing today?  Is it a reflection of your mood or thoughts?  Is it just the first clean thing you grabbed to put on?  Or is it your signature color?  You just might be surprised about what the color of your shirt says about how you’re feeling and thinking.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Determine if color therapy could be useful in your life.  This week, have some fun noting the colors you wear each day and how you feel.  At the end of the week, compare your color/mood combinations to the list above and see if your moods matched the colors.

If you find a correlation between the colors you wore and your moods, experiment with adding more of the colors you were wearing when you felt good.  Adding pops of the colors that help you to feel good into your home and office could help you to get back to and maintain a good feeling.

If you don’t find a correlation between the colors you wore and your moods, don’t worry, it just means that you’re probably not especially sensitive to colors right now.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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shopping cart

As I was driving home from a networking event a couple of weeks ago, the low-gas light came on in my car.  I was so tired from all the activities of the day that I decided to wait until the next morning to fill my car up.

The next morning, I headed over to the gas station at Walmart.  As I got closer to the store, I debated with myself about whether I wanted to cut through the parking lot or wait through an extra light to get to the pumps.  If I went through the parking lot, I ran the risk of needing to wait for people crossing the road and other cars jockeying for the best parking spot.  If I waited for the light, I was stuck making 2 left-hand turns at lights.  I really don’t like having to wait for the lights to make the turns, so I chose to cut through the parking lot.

As I neared the entrance to Walmart, there was this older guy pushing his cart down the middle of the road.  My first thought was, “Figures!  I knew something like this would happen.”  Then I changed my mind and realized that in a few more years, that might be me struggling to maintain my dignity and do my own shopping even though it was hard for me to walk and wanting to minimize the walking I had to do even if it meant walking in the middle of the street to get to my car.  That thought immediately changed how I was feeling.  Instead of being frustrated and impatient, I relaxed and patiently waited for the man to get across the street.

After he moved out of the middle of the road, I continued on my way and filled my car up with gas.  I had a few things I wanted to pick up at Walmart, so I drove back through the parking lot in search for my own spot.

As I was slowly making my way up and down the aisles, I thought I spotted the same older guy walking back up to the store.  No, it couldn’t be, I reasoned.  It must just be another old man that reminded me of the first.  I found a great parking spot and walked into the store to buy a couple of things.

As I was walking out of the store I noticed an old guy sitting on one of those motorized carts with his head in his hands.  I almost got all the way out the doors before I realized that it was the same guy I kept seeing!  I walked up to him and asked, “Didn’t I see you walk out of the store earlier?”  He told me yes and that he was having a hard time finding his car.  I asked him what kind of car he was driving and he told me a dark blue Kia.  So I started out of the store on a mission to find his car for him.

I got just outside and I realized that I would never spot his car and that I should ask him if he was comfortable with me driving him around the parking lot looking for his car.  He about jumped out of the motorized cart he was so happy to have me help him like that.  We gathered up his bags and started out to my car.

I could tell he was really pushing himself to walk quickly, but I kept a slow pace and just chatted with him about where I had parked and hoping to give him the idea that I had plenty of time and I was parked close enough that he wouldn’t have to walk too far.

And then, just as we reached the parking aisle, he looked over to the right and said, “Is that my car?”  Sure enough, he found his car right away – before we had even reached mine.

As I was helping him get his bags into his car, he admitted that he wasn’t supposed to be out walking without his walker and that he was so thankful to be back to his car.

Now it was a little thing for me to notice that an old man was walking down the middle of the street in a parking lot.  It was another little thing for me to notice an old man walking back into Walmart.  And it was yet another little thing for me to notice a tired old man sitting in a motorized shopping cart.  But it was a big thing to that man.

Little things are like that.  Individually, they’re itty-bitty things, but added together, they can make a world of difference.  I’m not just talking about how little things can add up for helping someone else, but even for us.  In fact, this idea of itty-bitty things added together is a major philosophy behind the work I do.  For anyone going through divorce, making little changes in perception and then taking action can create a world of difference.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

What little things have you chosen not to notice that might make a big difference in your life?  Just like my noticing the old man walking back and forth through the Walmart parking lot, what might you need to notice about you or your kids as you’re transitioning from married to single?

Now that you’ve noticed something you might have overlooked before what do you need to do to make a difference?  The thing you choose to do might be something small, but sometimes something small is all it takes to make a world of difference.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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home

By Mark Watson, Loan Officer, Guardian Mortgage Company, Inc. www.guardianmortgageonline.com

This is a terrific article.  It’s jam-packed with information that I am so happy to be able to share!  I’ve added just a few comments in square brackets []. 

If you are going through a divorce, you are probably exhausted by all the details and decisions that have to be made as the two of you separate. Even in the most amicable situations it can be very emotional. [Remember there are the 5 facets of divorce – social, emotional, legal, financial and functional – that all overlap.  So it makes sense that in the midst of making the decisions required to divorce that you would experience a lot of emotions.]  There is usually a lot of discussion about the house as it usually represents the family’s largest asset. [Dealing with an asset would be an example of the financial facet of divorce. When dealing with the financial facet of divorce it’s best to remain primarily in a business mindset instead of an emotional one because you’ll be better able to make decisions you can live with for the long haul.]

While divorce is a tough process, resolving the mortgage doesn’t have to be. According to Mark Watson, Vice President of Guardian Mortgage Company in Plano, Texas, there are three things homeowners can do to make it easier on themselves:

  1. Make realistic decisions.
  2. Understand your loan options.
  3. Seek help.

Make Realistic Decisions.

In many divorces, the home is refinanced in the name of one of the spouses and any profit or losses are negotiated between the couple. Sometimes the home is sold, and sometimes there is a long-term agreement in place about the home. Occasionally, a house with no mortgage is given to one spouse as part of the divorce settlement.

“It makes no difference to the mortgage company whether or not the name changes on the mortgage,” notes Watson. “However, the spouse no longer living in the home usually does not want to be responsible for it. Plus, they may want some cash out of it.”

If there is no mortgage on the home, and one spouse plans to keep it as part of the settlement, the process is simple. “The attorney prepares a quit-claim deed and records it as part of the divorce,” says Watson. “The home belongs to just one spouse from that point forward.”

Most homes have a mortgage, though. There are a number of questions that must be answered in order to pick the right process for your situation, but the most important is “which spouse can afford to keep the home after the divorce?” It is often the most difficult as there is often a lot of emotional attachment towards the house that may not have anything to do with the financial realities of the situation.  [The best way to answer these questions is from a business-minded perspective.  The “businesses” to be considered are the financial business of each spouse post-divorce as well as the business of raising happy, healthy children.]

The spouse with primary custody of the children will often want to keep the home to provide a stable environment and to stay near school and friends.

“I often see couples where the wife isn’t working and hasn’t worked in years,” says Bruce Rayburn of The Rayburn Group of Ebby Halliday Realtors based in Plano, Texas. “This makes it very hard to qualify for a refinance. Even if both spouses were working at the time of the divorce, it doesn’t mean either spouse can afford the mortgage with only one salary.”

“Even getting child support is often not enough,” Rayburn adds.

Besides the amount of income required to qualify for a refinance, the source of the income makes a difference. “For conforming loans ($417,000 or less in most areas of Texas), alimony and child support cannot count towards qualifying income until there have been at least three months of steady payments. In addition, the paying spouse must be required by law to pay for at least three years after the closing date of the sale,” notes Watson.

“For FHA Loans, the requirement is six months of payment. Furthermore, if the amount of alimony or child support is greater than 30% of the borrower’s income, then a full year’s worth of reliable payments is required.”

Understand Your Loan Options.

Many couples believe that they have to sell or refinance the home in order to finalize the divorce, which is not always the case. Sometimes sale or refinance of the home is delayed for months to years.

According to attorney Penny Phillips of Plano, Texas, many families with children want to keep the family home for them until they are older and/or in college. “In this case, one spouse will sometimes agree to wait to get the equity out of the house until after the children have left,” says Phillips.

In Texas, a lien can be placed on the house – called an Owelty Lien Agreement – such that one spouse will own the house, but the other will still retain rights to equity that was present in the house at the time of the divorce. This gives the first spouse the right to make improvements and to own the home, but the second spouse will get his or her share of the equity later when the kids are grown or the market improves or whatever reason the couple has chosen to wait.

“It is a win-win because the owner-spouse gets the benefit of all improvements and equity growth in the meantime, but the other spouse still gets the benefit of all the years of contributing to the equity when they were married,” adds Phillips.

“Since the home is not sold or refinanced, there is no need for the remaining spouse to get qualified for a new mortgage until the cash-out time. They just need to keep making timely payments. This is a good solution for situations where the divorce is fairly amicable and the spouses can work together for this common goal. I always advise that they tell the mortgage company about the divorce, however, as both partners need to continue to get notices about the loan,” says Phillips.  [Just because a divorce starts out amicably doesn’t mean it will stay that way.  To keep a divorce amicable for the long-haul requires regular, respectful communication.]

“We generally see Owelty Liens when a couple is in the process of refinancing the home,” notes Watson. “You don’t need to wait a specific amount of time to use it, and it has the added benefit of letting you do a “special purpose” refinance and go up to 95% of the appraised value of the home. This provides more equity at the end of the process.

“Current “cash-out” guidelines for refinancing in Texas allow for financing up to 80% of the loan value. A special purpose refinance allows you to get an extra 15% out of the home, which is then shared between the couple as per the terms of their divorce. I always talk to my clients about Owelty Liens because it can make a big difference if one partner is trying to buy another home, for example. Also, if the other partner finds out after the fact that they could have gotten more cash out of the refinance and didn’t, it can cause more unhappiness all around.”

Seek Help.

Dividing up the marriage assets is emotional and financially risky if you are not sure what you are doing. Early in the divorce, both spouses should consult their mortgage provider, realtor and CPA as well as an attorney in order to review their options and the financial and tax consequences of certain decisions. These objective outsiders will help you navigate your particular situation and direct you to other resources. In addition, they can act as a go-between if the divorce is contentious. [One other divorce professional you may want to contact when dealing with the financial questions of divorce is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst.  These people are trained in how to help couples develop different scenarios for an equitable division of assets and debts.]

“It is a false economy to do a divorce yourself. I’ve seen couples ruin their credit by doing it wrong. In one case, so many mistakes were made; one partner almost went to jail. It’s not worth it,” said Phillips. “Plus the experts can tell you about Owelty Liens and other ways to get the best out of a bad situation.”

“Lack of communication makes the divorce harder,” says Rayburn. “I often will work with both spouses in a divorce to help sell the old home, refinance and/or find a new, less expensive home if that is their post-divorce reality. I’ve even helped people through multiple relationships over the years because I was able to facilitate communications between the parties.”

“I often give my clients a list of good appraisers to call on,” says Watson. “Even if they don’t plan to sell or refinance right away, they need an appraisal in order to fairly determine the value of the home for the divorce settlement. I can then take that appraisal and show them how much equity is in the house so they can have more meaningful discussions.”

As with most issues related to divorce, there is no single best way to handle your mortgage. Divorcing couples must take a long look at their finances, and make realistic decisions based on a thorough understanding of their options.

Have more questions about how to handle your mortgage through divorce? Contact an experienced loan officer like Mark Watson at Guardian Mortgage Company today about your specific situation. Guardian Mortgage Company has been serving North Texas since 1965. Mark Watson (214) 473-7954 or MarkWatson@gmc-inc.com.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

If you’re at the point of trying to decide what to do with the marital home, focus on the business decision you need to make.  Despite how much you are attached to your home, the fact is it’s just a thing, a place.  Spending your energy deciding how to best deal with this marital asset instead of what it represents will help you come to the best decision for you – the decision that you’ll be most comfortable with in the long haul.

If it’s difficult for you to separate the business aspect of this decision from the emotional one, give me a call at 817-993-0561 so we can schedule a Complimentary Consultation and together we’ll figure out a way for you to have an easier time making the decisions you need to make as part of your divorce.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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Have you ever felt all tangled up on the inside and didn’t know which direction to turn?

Or maybe you’ve felt that you’re stuck in quicksand and it’s taking all your effort to just make it through each day?

Or worse, you’ve felt that you’re wearing a choke-chain of all your responsibilities and don’t really know who you are anymore?

Don’t worry.  I’ve been there.  In fact, everyone I know who has been through divorce has been there before too.  Overwhelm can be hard to overcome and yet it’s a common part of divorce.  Knowing how to get through it or stop it all together is a critical skill to develop.  What I’m going to share with you today are some of the techniques I regularly use with myself, my family and my clients when things start to feel overwhelming.

1.       Change your story.

When I was finding my way through the aftermath of my divorce, I used to tell myself really scary stories.  They were stories of doom and I told them over and over again – like a broken recording.  I was feeling overwhelmed and the stories I told myself made things worse.  I didn’t see any way that I could ever stop the chaos I was living in.  I felt like I was performing and not really living.  I was really miserable!

But, things slowly changed when I started changing my internal story.  Instead of envisioning a life of doom and destruction, my stories became more about experiencing sadness and then more about being tired of the sadness and imagining what changes I could make.  And then, I started actually making changes – some really big changes.  I started living again instead of feeling like a prisoner of circumstances.

It can be the same for you.  Simply by changing the story you’re telling yourself, you can dramatically (even if it takes time like it did for me) change your life for the better and stop feeling overwhelmed.

2.       Take care of you first.

For those of us who have a tendency to get burned out, when we feel stressed about out divorce it can be especially easy to forget about taking care of ourselves and just focus on what needs to be done for others instead.  After all, they’re depending on us, right?

It’s easy for me to identify a new client who isn’t taking care of themselves because they have a difficult time answering questions like

  • Are you getting enough sleep?
  • Are you exercising?
  • Are you eating nutritious meals?

in the affirmative.  They’ll squirm a bit before answering or try to deflect the question with a joke or some explanation as to why they can’t sleep or exercise or eat well.

If you can’t honestly say you’re getting enough sleep, adequate exercise and eating well, you would probably benefit from taking better care of yourself.  Taking care of yourself isn’t an afterthought – something you do after you take care of the rest of your responsibilities.  Taking care of yourself is VITAL to you being able to take care of your responsibilities.  Without your physical well-being, you won’t be able to take care of anyone or anything else, so, please, make sure you’re putting you first and treating yourself well.

3.       See the lighter side and laugh.

Somehow, when things are really miserable and you’re just not sure how you’re going to deal with one more pressure, there comes a moment when you realize just how ridiculous everything is – all the pressure and stress suddenly become laughable.  I’ve found the best thing to do when I reach that point is to laugh.  I’m not talking about a simple tee-hee-hee or chuckle, I’m talking about a really deep from the gut laugh.

Laughter is a great cure for stress and overwhelm.  It causes you to loosen some muscles and tighten others.  It requires you to breathe differently and it gets some different hormones flowing through your body – the kinds that help you to feel better.

In working with my clients, I often incorporate really bad jokes to get some laughter going.  Laughing always lightens the mood and allows my clients to see things from a slightly different angle and break the strangle hold overwhelm had on them.

With overwhelm and stress being such common elements of our daily lives – not to mention divorce, these 3 simple ideas can be a great springboard for you to prevent yourself from succumbing to burn out.

Your Functional Divorce Coaching Assignment:

The next time you’re feeling stressed out, pick one of the 3 suggestions above and try it out.  After all what have you got to lose besides your stress?  I know that if you consistently take the necessary steps to help you deal with the stress of your divorce, you’ll be better able to manage it.

If you’d like more do-able ideas for decreasing the impact of stress on your life, give me a call at 817-993-0561 so we can schedule a Complimentary Consultation and together we’ll figure out a way for you to have less stress.

 

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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Raising the Kid

Edward Farber, PhD is releasing his new book Raising the Kid You Love with the Ex You Hate next week.  I was lucky enough to receive an Advance Reviewer’s Copy and I do mean lucky.

Ed’s book is full of fabulous advice about how to make the business of co-parenting work after the business of marriage has failed.  The basis of his advice about successful co-parenting hinges on these three principles:

  1. Your child needs both parents
  2. Reduce parental conflict after the separation
  3. Both parents make decisions

Parents who can agree to abide by these three principles will have a headstart in helping their children be happy, healthy adults.  To be implemented well, each parent needs to be consistently focused on them and communicate regularly with their ex to make sure they’re on the same page.  Continuing to interact with your ex after divorce may not be something you look forward to, but, as Dr Farber points out, it’s necessary to being able to raise the kid you love.

I really appreciated reading this no non-sense approach to making co-parenting work along with the real-life stories from Ed’s practice, but probably the best part of this book is the fact that he shares ideas for non-ideal co-parenting situations.  He offers suggestions for dealing with an ex who is more interested in revenge than in successfully co-parenting, for how the co-parenting arrangement will naturally need to change as your kid grows older, for dealing with an ex who has emotional, psychological or addictive disorders, and even for dealing with kids who may be embellishing the truth to get into your good graces.

This book is an ideal resource for parents who are divorced or divorcing and committed to continuing to be great parents.

You can check out the book at Raising the Kid You Love with the Ex You Hate.

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