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The 8 Keys to Trust in a Post-Divorce Relationship – Part 1

May 20, 2013 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce | Permalink

key

You’ve probably heard recommendations from other experts about how long you need to wait after divorce before you start dating.  These other experts recommend that you wait anywhere from just 1 year to 1 year for every 4 years you were married.

I disagree with these one-size-fits-all recommendations.  I believe that the only requirement for you to be able to successfully date after divorce is that you’ve finished your time in the Divorce Pits.  The Divorce Pits are where you experience the most painful feelings of divorce – grief, anger, guilt and rejection.

I hope you can agree with me that you wouldn’t want to date someone consumed with the Divorce Pits.  So, if you’re consumed with them, you’re probably not going to find someone who wants to date you either.  (You can find out if you’re still in the Divorce Pits by taking the assessment at http://www.functionaldivorce.com/fdas.html.)

Once you’re out of the Pits, you’re cleared to date.  There are all kinds of ways you can meet people to date and I’ll save a discussion of that for some other time.  The point I want to get to here is that your dating should be helping you to determine what you do and don’t like about yourself and others in a relationship.  There are all kinds of things that people do and don’t want in a relationship, but the one thing that EVERYONE WANTS is to be able to trust their partner.

For many of us post-divorce, our ability to trust another isn’t quite working ideally.  That’s why I recommend you build your trust in yourself first (read more at http://www.functionaldivorce.com/blog/2013/05/06/trust-yourself/), then build your trust in friendships (read more at http://www.functionaldivorce.com/blog/2013/05/11/who-can-you-trust/), before trusting someone in a committed relationship.  The question I always get from my clients about this is how do I know if I can trust someone?

You can feel pretty confident about trusting someone in a committed relationship by using 8 different keys.  These keys are things that you need to examine both in the other person and in your ability to give to them.

We’ll start with the first four keys today and save the other four for next week’s article.

The first 4 keys to trust in a post-divorce relationship are

  1. Clarity – Clarity refers to the ability you and your partner have communicating with each other AND in the clarity you each have individually about being in the relationship.  Are you both open and clear about what you want from the relationship?  Are you both clear about what needs you’d like to have the other meet?  Are you both clear about what you are and are not willing to do in the relationship?  The important point about each of these questions is that you’re clear individually without any pressure from the other person or fear of losing the relationship and that you’re able to clearly communicate this to each other.  (You should also be aware that after divorce we all change a lot, so just because you’re clear about what you want today, next month, next quarter, next year, your needs of the relationship may change and you both need to be willing to continue being clear for the duration of the relationship.)
  2. Compassion – Compassion refers to the ability you’ve each got to care for the other.  Compassion in a healthy relationship MUST be two-way.  There are times when one partner may need more compassion than another, but if the flow of compassion is only one-way, the relationship isn’t conducive to building the level of trust necessary for a long-term committed relationship.
  3. Character – Character is who you each are as individuals and in the relationship.  It’s not unusual for people to behave one way in front of others and another way in the privacy of their relationship.  If you find that you’re not behaving like yourself in a relationship, that’s not a healthy relationship for you.  If you find that you don’t care for the way the person you’re dating regularly behaves, then they’re not the right person for you.
  4. Competency – Competency can sound like a funny criterion for trust in a dating or love relationship, but it’s really important.  Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is simply incapable of meeting your needs of the relationship?  I doubt it.  That’s why I believe it’s critical that you get some clarity on what you want in a relationship and what you’re willing to give to a relationship.  Once you know that, you’ll have an idea of whether or not you’ve both got the competency to be in a relationship together.

I know that this is only half of the list, but it’s a lot of information!  These aren’t necessarily simple keys.  They require careful thought and a deep awareness of your feelings.  But armed with these first keys, you’ve got a great starting point for figuring out if the person or people you’re dating are right for you to enter into a deeper relationship with.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Get clear about what you want in your post-divorce relationships.  You might be looking for your next great love or you might be looking for someone to hang out with and just have fun.  It’s important that you get clear about what you want so you’ll be able to know if dating someone is in your best interest or not.  AND so that you’ll be able to have clarity telling the other person what you want.

How might you determine if the other person is compassionate?  In my experience, this is one of those keys that takes time to evaluate.  You might be able to tell enough about someone’s lack of compassion quickly.  However, if it’s not glaringly obvious that the other person isn’t compassionate, then seeing how you both act in stressful situations is probably the quickest way to determine your level of compassion for yourselves and each other.

If you’re in a relationship with someone, do you like who you are when you’re with them?  For most of us who divorced, when we take an honest look back at our marriage we can usually find something about ourselves in the marriage that we’ve since changed or are in the process of changing.  There was something about what our marriage had become that caused us to be less than ourselves.  It’s so very important that you not enter into another relationship that might cause you to not appreciate yourself 100%.  So, if you don’t like whom you are when you’re with someone, it’s time to end that relationship.  If you do like who you are when you’re with someone, the relationship just might be working and you might be closer to building trust.

Is the person you’re in relationship with capable of meeting your needs?  Are you capable of meeting theirs?  If your answer is “yes” to both questions, you’ve got another key for building trust in this relationship.  If not, then this relationship probably isn’t in your best interest to continue for long.

© 2013 Karen Finn.  All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.

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Riding the Ride: How to Recognize and Manage Your Emotions Through Divorce

June 11, 2012 in Emotional Divorce, Functional Divorce | Permalink

Roller Coaster Track

Some decisions are really easy to make – What will I have for breakfast? What TV show do I want to watch? What time do I need to get up in the morning? Other decisions, like whether or not divorce is the correct path for you to take, can be agonizing.

Let’s begin by focusing on the person who is contemplating whether or not to divorce – the leaver.

Often times, the leaver is unhappy in the marriage and hasn’t been able to effectively communicate what changes they want to occur in the marriage. They may have tried therapy – either individual or couples. They may have tried some form of medication like anti-depressants or alcohol or even food. They may have tried distraction – an all-consuming hobby, focusing on the children, focusing on work. Yet everything they’ve tried just isn’t working and they’re still unhappy in their marriage. They may also have tried nothing because they didn’t believe they had any options.

On the other hand, perhaps the leaver has been able to communicate EXACTLY what they’d like to be different in their marriage yet their spouse isn’t willing or isn’t able to make the requested changes. When this is the case, the leaver often feels powerless and unimportant in their marriage.

Leavers often experience frustration, low esteem and guilt. Along with these emotions can come a sense of hopelessness of not knowing what else to do and a sense of having tried everything to make their marriage work – even if their spouse has no idea of what they’ve tried. They usually don’t think that well of themselves because they feel like a failure at having the marriage they want. They often recognize the commitment they made when they married their spouse and feel guilty that they are contemplating divorce. In fact, it’s not unusual for someone who has a lot of guilty feelings about contemplating divorce and who can’t see or imagine any way to ever be happy again to do something, like have an affair, that somehow makes it “acceptable” or “right” to get divorced. This something that they do may or may not be done consciously or with pre-meditated intent.

Now let’s talk a bit about the partner being left. When a spouse learns that their partner wants a divorce, the first emotions experienced are usually shock and denial. This is especially true when “the” conversation or “the” decision comes as a surprise. “How can this be happening?” “They can’t be serious. Can they?” “This has got to be some kind of a cruel joke!” These are the types of thoughts that run through their minds over and over again as they try to make some sense of what’s happening. Shock and denial are protective emotions. They keep us from having to deal with too much at any one time. The thing about these protective emotions though is that we can get stuck in them and avoid facing the reality of “the” conversation instead of participating in it.

However, choosing to participate in “the” conversation doesn’t make everything all better. Once the partner being left begins participating, the next two emotions most commonly experienced by both partners are anger and fear. Their worlds are on the verge of completely changing in ways they never expected and the changes are often both maddening and frightening.

The interesting thing about all these emotions is that both the leaver and the left can experience a rapid shifting of their emotions and can at times feel very unlike themselves. They can be angry one minute and experiencing overwhelming sadness the next. These shifting emotions are often the result of hormone levels that vary in response to the added stressors of “the” conversation or decision. These varying hormone levels often cause difficulty doing the things they used to be able to easily do. For example, if you’re usually a very organized and task oriented parson, when you’re going through the emotional ups and downs of divorce, ti’s fairly common to experience a sense of disorganization and not being able to get the things done you used to get done.

Recognizing the different emotions you experience during divorce regardless of whether you are the leaver of the one being left is critical to being able to manage your expectations of yourself and your spouse. Most people notice that they are not as efficient or capable while going through divorce. If this is the case for you, as it was for me, please take this into account and go easy on yourself. Be sure and schedule time every day to relax and nurture yourself. I promise it will be time well spent and enable you to get back to being you that much more quickly!

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Are you the leaver or the one being left? Get real with yourself here. I know it took me a while to realize that I had felt that I was left in my marriage before I ever started thinking about leaving it. Most people discover that the beginnings of the end of the marriage happened long before “the” conversation or “the” decision happens.

What are the emotions you’re experiencing now? Which emotions are you experiencing most often at this point in your divorce process? How are they impacting your life? What can you do to acknowledge the emotions AND move forward?

Be kind to yourself. Going through divorce is a big change and one of the most stressful life experiences you can have. Be sure and take care of yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually.

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